Tuesday, December 23, 2008

On Second Thoguht

I totally changed my mind about what I want for Christmas this year.

What I'd really like is to finally be done with the transition of being completely comfortable with myself. All this time I was hoping for the people around me to get over it, but I realized something: I'm always going to be around new people, and I can't spend my entire life wishing for everyone else to be okay with who I am. I think if I was comfortable with who I am, I would care a lot less what other people think of me.

So I don't need my mom to accept me, Jason's parents to like me, any of my friends or family to accept me. I just need to accept myself and everything will start getting better.

That is the only thing I really want to come out of this year.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I Need to Start Getting More Sleep

I just applied for a small car loan at my bank which I would rather have done in person than online, but I'm running out of time and don't know how long it will take to process. I've been putting it off for a while because I'm afraid I won't get it. Without it, I won't have a vehicle and I'm moving 22 miles away from PetSmart in a little over a month. I know it's going to cost a lot to insure, fuel, and pay for, but I don't really have many viable alternatives right now.

I could try to find a super cheap apartment that's withing walking distance from my job, but that's not really likely. The cheapest I recall seeing was $600 a month, which is way too much. That doesn't include utilities and Internet access, either. Of course, I might be able to find something cheaper more toward the Mt. Clemens area, but there are two problems with that: I don't want to live in an area that's any less safe than where I live now, and I'd have to find a job that will pay me enough to live on right away.

I'm just in kind of a shitty situation right now and I don't know what to do so I stay up most of the night worrying about it. That makes it hard to work 6 to noon without feeling run down by the time I leave. And that makes it hard to create the illusion that everything is okay. And that makes me feel bad for making everyone else feel worse.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Just Another Average Post

I feel like I always let everyone down. My mom needs me to help her move all the shit from her garage by Friday (which we had been doing before her car broke down), but I don't really have a way to get there. I feel like it's sort of my fault because I've been putting off some of the bigger things and now that it needs to get done, I still don't have a car. I don't even know if I'll be able to make it there for Christmas because work might be retarded and schedule me at 6AM the day after.

That's just one of the ways the holidays have me run down. Of course, I've been working extra hours at work, taking on peoples' hours when I can, and getting a lot less sleep (which is really something considering how little sleep I normally get). But, all that doesn't really matter. I've spent all the money I have available to me. That keeps me up at night, worrying about how big of a dent my week in Tennessee is going to make on January's rent and my Mastercard. On top of that, I still don't know if I'm going to be able to get a loan for a car or find a really crappy one for the amount of money I still have in my savings.

But Christmas is wonderful, so I'm not supposed to be unhappy.