Some Days I Feel Like Jumping off the Overpass Onto I-94

This is one of those days.

I think I might to better on mood stabilizers (used to treat some types of bipolar disorder) than antidepressants. I don't know if the pills stopped working because I went off them for 3 days, I got used to them, or I stopped having faith that they would magically work. I'm not even sure if they stopped working at all. I might just be having an off day or two.

Or maybe I could just use some good therapy. I'm willing to try it now, but of course, now I don't know if there's a local mental health clinic with a sliding scale. I want to avoid talking to people I'm close to because it's just awkward. I find it hard to express my feelings to people that know me because I try hard not to offend anyone or step on anyone's toes. I know sometimes it doesn't work, but I do try.

Some days I wake up seriously doubting my worth as a human being to the point where I feel like jumping off the overpass onto I-94. I can't help it. There's no reason or warning. I just do. On days like this it really doesn't help to be reminded how much of a douchebag I am because I already know. Some days all I can think about is how bad of a person I am and how little I'm actually worth. Thanks, but I don't need constant reminders.

On other days I don't really care. I have a sense of humor and can take a joke. You may have seen the image on my myspace. It makes me laugh, most of the time. The same goes for gay jokes. Most of the time they make me laugh, but on off days they really get to me. After a while, on a bad day they'll start to add up and I'll start feeling worse about myself. I try not to say anything because I don't want people to feel like they can't talk to me. A few days later I'll feel better and it won't bother me.

I don't let people know when I feel like shit. Everyone thinks they can tell, but you'd be surprised how good of a front I can put up. I probably should just show how I feel though, because when I already feel bad and people keep picking at the few things I let bother me I tend to lash out at people, whether or not they did anything to me. I know I'm a monster. I'm sorry.

Community Driven Programs

I had to call in sick yesterday because I had the flu/severe cold + food poisoning. I was really looking forward to getting some extra money from the extra hours I worked this week, but even without working yesterday I got a few extra hours, so it's okay. Next week I work Sunday, which I'm really not looking forward to, we don't come in until 7, so it's okay.

I went to Starbucks after work for a Venti Chai Latte and ended up spending $15. In the few minutes it took me to order the drink, the kind folks at DARE set up a little booth outside Target (where Starbbucks is located). I don't want to be one of those people who walk by a charity carrying a $5 cup of coffee and not donate anything, so I ended up buying a shirt that I'm never going to wear. But I feel better about buying the drink.

I got a ride home from some random lady who waved me over from across 23. Apparently I look just like her son, take the same route, and have the same jacket. At first I thought it was Steph's aunt because they drive the same van, but once I was all the way across the street I realized I had no idea who it was. Then she was like "Do you want a ride anyway?" I accepted. Now everyone is like "You took a ride from a stranger!?" It's really weird.

That's all I had to say today. Nothing terribly interesting.

Week 11 Recap

A quick runthrough of my week so far:

Roommates went on vacation, took dog with them.
Started using Twitter again, blogged about it.
Watched a Saw marathon, ended up ordering Saw IV On Demand.
Walked a mile to work in a blizzard, then home again.
Watched Rent, I liked it.
Jason came over, played racquetball and went swimming.
Bought frozen fish and bread on sale, cooked immediately.
Jason and I vlogged, watching it now.
Watched Short Circuit, still enjoy it.
Got Chai Tea at Starbucks in Target, tasted like pumpkin.
Took pictures of Jason and me, turned out decent.
Watched A Walk to Remember, it was decent.
Alarm clock broke, my watch woke me 10 minutes later.
Bought candles at different dollar store, they smell nice.
Cashed check and payed cable bill.
Got new debit card pin, it finally worked.
Decided to move money from savings account to CD.
Did laundry at my mom's house, came home super late.
Made the first blog post this week, nothing special.

My New Widget

I haven't blogged since Saturday because I haven't had anything interesting to say. I finally got the hang of bagging fish at work. I'm still not used to going to bed at 10 to get up at 4:30 after staying up so late for so many years. It completely throws off my day. Jason came over yesterday and I had a lot of fun hanging out around the house with him. That's about all I did this week (as far as I remember).

Since I don't write blog posts when I don't have a whole lot to say, I added a Twitter badge to my sidebar in case anyone is interested in little updates throughout the day. I'll try hard to remember to keep it up. If you want to see more you can go to my Twitter profile. If you want SMS or IM updates, or want to start using Twitter yourself, go to twitter.com and create an account. It's kind of fun.

Everybody's Working for the Weekend

This was the first time I worked Saturday since I started. This is also the first time in a while I worked with new people, which was really awkward because Mary didn't even talk to me this morning and I didn't really get a chance to meet any of the people in other departments. Christina did introduce herself right before the morning huddle, which was nice.

They haven't really been giving me much to do at work recently. I've been getting my work done with 2 hours left and nothing to do. Today all I had to do was clean the guinea pig cage (apparently this is done twice a week) and feed the small animals, birds, and reptiles. That took almost exactly 2 hours. I ended up helping Mary put the new pets on the floor, which I'd never done before but is really easy. Then I did dishes for a while. Then I pulled veggie dishes and did more dishes. Fun stuff.

I'm sick of trying to be someone different for everyone I'm around. I don't want to do it anymore, but don't know if I have much of a choice. I can't just say "Just kidding everyone, this is who I really am," and stop pretending. I really don't know what do to. That's it.