Some days I wake up with an overwhelming sense that my life has absolutely no meaning.
All the extra effort I put in at my dead end job is completely unappreciated. I work my ass off cleaning every surface in my department when I'm scheduled to do nothing for 6 hours and they cup my hours by 30% this week. I'm already using the majority of my money to repay old debts, but now I have to scrimp and save and still create new debts just to pay rent.
Even though I have a few talents and abilities, I don't really enjoy any of them. I'm good with computers. Point me in the direction of a broken computer and I can usually fix it in a matter of minutes, if I'm forced to. The truth is I really hate doing technical work. That rules out an entire field of careers I'd be terrific at and leaves me with no alternative options.
Most of my extended family hates me for one reason or another and even my parents don't really accept me for who I am. I'm never going to have any kind of family of my own. That's pretty depressing. My friends treat me as part of their family and include me in their family stuff, and even though I really appreciate it, it's just not the same. Sometimes I just feel like an intruder, even in our apartment.
On top of all that, I ultimately feel trapped. I'm not the person I want to be and even though I could easily become that person, I'm scared to do so. I've seen how terrified of change people can be, especially those close to me. People are fickle and I don't want to alienate my friends and Jason, especially when they're all I have. On the other hand, I want to grow as a person requires change, but who am I to say if any particular change is good or bad?
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
To Do List
I will eat healthier.
I will spend wisely.
I will exercise more.
I will be more organized.
I will start writing and stop procrastinating.
I will finish the things I start.
I will repay my debts.
I will stop hiding who I am for the benefit of others.
I will spend less time on Youtube and more time outside.
I will start acting my age.
I will stop moping so much.
I will stop being so self conscious.
I will start doing more with my life.
I will start trusting people.
I will cut caffeine out of my diet.
I will start living in the real world.
I will sleep better hours.
I will start being myself.
I will spend wisely.
I will exercise more.
I will be more organized.
I will start writing and stop procrastinating.
I will finish the things I start.
I will repay my debts.
I will stop hiding who I am for the benefit of others.
I will spend less time on Youtube and more time outside.
I will start acting my age.
I will stop moping so much.
I will stop being so self conscious.
I will start doing more with my life.
I will start trusting people.
I will cut caffeine out of my diet.
I will start living in the real world.
I will sleep better hours.
I will start being myself.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
What the Fuck Have You Done Lately?
It seems like the more things I try to do the less I actually accomplish. I got home around three hours ago and decided that I was going to do something constructive. I put down the controller and sat down at my computer, guitar in hand. I wanted to learn to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC, but got bored after only a few minuter. I tried to work on one of the many scripts I've started, but have no direction for any of them. The only thing I managed to do was find my favorite songs from my music collection and dump them in Winamp. And I might just have the patience to finish this post.
I went to the Pickerel Tournament (a local carnival) on the 4th of July. I was pretty excited walking there from Jason's house because it had been a few years since I went to a carnival just to have fun, but my excitement was quickly drowned by the lameness I encountered. There weren't any rides worth buying tickets for. The best one would be the 1/60 scale version of the Power Tower that only worked in drop mode (opposed to launch mode). The Elephant Ears were $5.50 and greasy, the lemonade was $3 for a small and full of ice, the band royally sucked, I kept tripping over poorly placed cords, the show monkey wasn't really doing very much, the other people were assholes, and I didn't get to watch the fireworks because they were the next day and I had to work. All in all, it was a complete flop. I did, however get my hands on 10 boxes of snappers for $3. That was good.
It's amazing how much money the carnival must rake in. There was as stand where you could throw rings around old fashioned bottles to win goldfish. It cost $3 to play, and assuming you have a 33.3% chance of winning (which I think is a fair assessment assuming you must get all 3 rings around a bottle), in a best case scenario the carnival could make $9. That's a 750% return, considering a comet goldfish costs 12 cents. If they unloaded all 150 of their fish, that's $1272 a day, after paying the attendant. Add in the severely overpriced sundries, the various games, and tickets and you've got yourself quite a racket going.
I went to the Pickerel Tournament (a local carnival) on the 4th of July. I was pretty excited walking there from Jason's house because it had been a few years since I went to a carnival just to have fun, but my excitement was quickly drowned by the lameness I encountered. There weren't any rides worth buying tickets for. The best one would be the 1/60 scale version of the Power Tower that only worked in drop mode (opposed to launch mode). The Elephant Ears were $5.50 and greasy, the lemonade was $3 for a small and full of ice, the band royally sucked, I kept tripping over poorly placed cords, the show monkey wasn't really doing very much, the other people were assholes, and I didn't get to watch the fireworks because they were the next day and I had to work. All in all, it was a complete flop. I did, however get my hands on 10 boxes of snappers for $3. That was good.
It's amazing how much money the carnival must rake in. There was as stand where you could throw rings around old fashioned bottles to win goldfish. It cost $3 to play, and assuming you have a 33.3% chance of winning (which I think is a fair assessment assuming you must get all 3 rings around a bottle), in a best case scenario the carnival could make $9. That's a 750% return, considering a comet goldfish costs 12 cents. If they unloaded all 150 of their fish, that's $1272 a day, after paying the attendant. Add in the severely overpriced sundries, the various games, and tickets and you've got yourself quite a racket going.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
The Umbrella Does Nothing
We're had a wicked storm this evening. The lightning is so bright I could see clearly for a mile and the thunder was so loud I could hear it over the hum of the various heating and cooling machines at work. It wasn't so wicked on the way home, though. It was raining so hard it felt like little bullets falling from the sky and puncturing my skin. Even though I was carrying an umbrella, I still got completely drenched, even before I slipped down from the shoulderless road into a sewage ditch.
Funny story, actually. They've been doing construction on my road for about a month and a half now, so all the traffic is jammed into two lanes on the close side of the road. There was no room for a shoulder, so they just got rid of it. Seeing as there's no sidewalk for most of my journey either, and the opposite side of the road is mangled beyond recognition, I'm forced to walk on a little hill between the road and a nice little ditch. Normally it's no big deal, but tonight it was pretty slippery and cars kept splashing me and I lost my footing and tumbled down. My groceries survived. My $3.54 Mocha didn't.
There was a group of people walking a little ways behind me. When I took my fall the girl had a nice, hardy laugh and they continued walking. I gathered my belongings and continued walking. When I got home, I met the group of people again. It turns out they either live or frequently visit the apartment downstairs and across the hall. I immediately let our guard dog out, hoping she'd at least maim one of them, but she only ran down the stairs, took a step in the rain, and ran back into the apartment. Now she'd just staring at me and moaning, waiting for me to make the rain stop.
Ah, my groceries. Two of my favorite things, especially together. Hazelnut coffee and the original Oreos. Whenever I go into a store in my Petsmart shirt, people always think I'm an employee and ask me questions, despite my shirt being the color of the sky and most places' shirts being the color of fire. Apparently it's the nametag. One lady wanted to know what to do when an item doesn't show up on the U-scan as being on sale, when it's clearly marked as such. A guy wanted to know where the flag holders were. A little old lady needed help getting a box of pasta from an upper shelf. Another lady wanted to know the difference between two espresso drinks. I took my nametag off at that point.
Since Meijer was having a sale, I picked up 2 packs of Oreos and 4 cans of coffee. I had to hold the bottom can of coffee and rest my chin on the top can because the Oreos took all the attention of my other hand. I must have been a sight because the greeter asked me twice if I needed a cart. I would have taken it had I not already been almost to the checkout. I passed the lady who was having trouble with the U-scan (who had also suggested I take off my nametag), who I don't think had been helped yet. I checked out and left. I really do prefer using the U-Scan because it's generally faster than having a trained cashier scan your items, people don't use them much so there's almost always a free one open, and after smiling at people all day sometimes I want to deal with a machine.
And I just used my Liberty City Team Deathmatch time (formerly my Building a kickass downtown area for my Sims time, but there was a horrible accident involving Service pack 3 and an ancient USB driver from a company that apparently no longer makes USB chipsets) blogging and doing laundry. Awesome.
Funny story, actually. They've been doing construction on my road for about a month and a half now, so all the traffic is jammed into two lanes on the close side of the road. There was no room for a shoulder, so they just got rid of it. Seeing as there's no sidewalk for most of my journey either, and the opposite side of the road is mangled beyond recognition, I'm forced to walk on a little hill between the road and a nice little ditch. Normally it's no big deal, but tonight it was pretty slippery and cars kept splashing me and I lost my footing and tumbled down. My groceries survived. My $3.54 Mocha didn't.
There was a group of people walking a little ways behind me. When I took my fall the girl had a nice, hardy laugh and they continued walking. I gathered my belongings and continued walking. When I got home, I met the group of people again. It turns out they either live or frequently visit the apartment downstairs and across the hall. I immediately let our guard dog out, hoping she'd at least maim one of them, but she only ran down the stairs, took a step in the rain, and ran back into the apartment. Now she'd just staring at me and moaning, waiting for me to make the rain stop.
Ah, my groceries. Two of my favorite things, especially together. Hazelnut coffee and the original Oreos. Whenever I go into a store in my Petsmart shirt, people always think I'm an employee and ask me questions, despite my shirt being the color of the sky and most places' shirts being the color of fire. Apparently it's the nametag. One lady wanted to know what to do when an item doesn't show up on the U-scan as being on sale, when it's clearly marked as such. A guy wanted to know where the flag holders were. A little old lady needed help getting a box of pasta from an upper shelf. Another lady wanted to know the difference between two espresso drinks. I took my nametag off at that point.
Since Meijer was having a sale, I picked up 2 packs of Oreos and 4 cans of coffee. I had to hold the bottom can of coffee and rest my chin on the top can because the Oreos took all the attention of my other hand. I must have been a sight because the greeter asked me twice if I needed a cart. I would have taken it had I not already been almost to the checkout. I passed the lady who was having trouble with the U-scan (who had also suggested I take off my nametag), who I don't think had been helped yet. I checked out and left. I really do prefer using the U-Scan because it's generally faster than having a trained cashier scan your items, people don't use them much so there's almost always a free one open, and after smiling at people all day sometimes I want to deal with a machine.
And I just used my Liberty City Team Deathmatch time (formerly my Building a kickass downtown area for my Sims time, but there was a horrible accident involving Service pack 3 and an ancient USB driver from a company that apparently no longer makes USB chipsets) blogging and doing laundry. Awesome.
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