On Second Thoguht

I totally changed my mind about what I want for Christmas this year.

What I'd really like is to finally be done with the transition of being completely comfortable with myself. All this time I was hoping for the people around me to get over it, but I realized something: I'm always going to be around new people, and I can't spend my entire life wishing for everyone else to be okay with who I am. I think if I was comfortable with who I am, I would care a lot less what other people think of me.

So I don't need my mom to accept me, Jason's parents to like me, any of my friends or family to accept me. I just need to accept myself and everything will start getting better.

That is the only thing I really want to come out of this year.

I Need to Start Getting More Sleep

I just applied for a small car loan at my bank which I would rather have done in person than online, but I'm running out of time and don't know how long it will take to process. I've been putting it off for a while because I'm afraid I won't get it. Without it, I won't have a vehicle and I'm moving 22 miles away from PetSmart in a little over a month. I know it's going to cost a lot to insure, fuel, and pay for, but I don't really have many viable alternatives right now.

I could try to find a super cheap apartment that's withing walking distance from my job, but that's not really likely. The cheapest I recall seeing was $600 a month, which is way too much. That doesn't include utilities and Internet access, either. Of course, I might be able to find something cheaper more toward the Mt. Clemens area, but there are two problems with that: I don't want to live in an area that's any less safe than where I live now, and I'd have to find a job that will pay me enough to live on right away.

I'm just in kind of a shitty situation right now and I don't know what to do so I stay up most of the night worrying about it. That makes it hard to work 6 to noon without feeling run down by the time I leave. And that makes it hard to create the illusion that everything is okay. And that makes me feel bad for making everyone else feel worse.

Just Another Average Post

I feel like I always let everyone down. My mom needs me to help her move all the shit from her garage by Friday (which we had been doing before her car broke down), but I don't really have a way to get there. I feel like it's sort of my fault because I've been putting off some of the bigger things and now that it needs to get done, I still don't have a car. I don't even know if I'll be able to make it there for Christmas because work might be retarded and schedule me at 6AM the day after.

That's just one of the ways the holidays have me run down. Of course, I've been working extra hours at work, taking on peoples' hours when I can, and getting a lot less sleep (which is really something considering how little sleep I normally get). But, all that doesn't really matter. I've spent all the money I have available to me. That keeps me up at night, worrying about how big of a dent my week in Tennessee is going to make on January's rent and my Mastercard. On top of that, I still don't know if I'm going to be able to get a loan for a car or find a really crappy one for the amount of money I still have in my savings.

But Christmas is wonderful, so I'm not supposed to be unhappy.

Christmas 2008

Since Black Friday marks the first day of Christmas I thought I'd share what I would really like this year. Some of them are pretty selfish, I know. My list is as follows:

1. To be free of debt

2. To be appreciated

3. To be surrounded by fewer idiots

4. To be loved for who I really am

5. For all my friends to get along together

6. Some kind of purpose for life

7. A little confidence

8. The ability to focus

9. For my parents to accept me

10. To live in a world with less conflict

I Think I Need a Vacation from Life

I paid Connie a visit yesterday. There was a network problem with her husband's computer (which Jason and I couldn't figure out), and she needed to copy a large amount of data between two USB hard drives. 375 gigs is a lot of data to move between two drives on the same interface, so I think it'll take a few days. She gave me a printer though, which I've been needing for some time. Of course, now that I have it I don't remember what I needed to print.

I saw Julie too, but she didn't really say much. Luke asked me to build some space ships out of Lego's for him, which was really fun. I don't really get to build much stuff anymore. Which reminds me, I've been working on a new theme for my blog and myspace, but I'm kind of rusty at Photoshop, so it's been taking a while.

I've also been doing some (possibly the bulk) Christmas and birthday shopping. It was mostly books, but I got my mom some nice candles at Meijer. There's not much else I can say there. I checked out the Biggby Coffee chain, which was kind of pricey, but so much better than Starbucks. I just wish there was a location a little closer than Garfield and Hall.

Coming Out Part 42

When Heather (my manager) pestered me about my personal life a week ago, I realized just how tired I really am of lying to everyone. When I added her to myspace, I also sent a request to some of the people I work with who weren't already on my list. Doug, Jonathan, Rebecca. The people I see all the time and would consider friends (I don't dislike Jonathan like I did when I started working there). Myspace probably isn't the best way to come out, but I couldn't think of a better plan.

I'm glad that everyone took it well, even though it's really sad that the phrase 'took it well' is needed in the first place. Heather obviously didn't care and we still have conversations about Jason. Looking further into it, Rebecca hasn't logged into her myspace in a few months, but that's fine. It turns out Jonathan is gay too, so it's all good. Apparently he never would have guessed because I don't 'act gay.' That made me smile.

I went to see Zack and Miri Make a Porno yesterday. The entire movie made me laugh. I would defiantly recommend it to anyone who laughs at dirty jokes. I've also been playing Spore. Even though I have a legitimate purchased copy (not necessarily by me) that had presumably been installed on less than 5 computers, I couldn't use it and had to acquire the game by other means. Nevertheless, it's still a very fun game worth picking up.

That's it for today on my hapy, happy, blog.

A Smashing Good Time

Yesterday I got to vote for the first time. That went well, except I had to get up at 7 am to do so. That wasn't so fun. Proposal 8, (rebanning gay marriage in California) went through, which is really retarded. @.@

While we were driving to Connie's house Jason turned down Rattle Run instead of Wadhams, which didn't really make that big of a difference because we would have gotten to our destination eventually. But then Jason made a right onto Palms (by my request) and turned around as soon as it turned into a dirt road. After that, Wadahms was closed, but Jason insisted that the sign was a lie. It wasn't, so we turned around again. Good times.

I spent this afternoon at Connie's, eating a nice dinner, fixing a few computers, and breaking some shit. She had a really old computer that she wanted to get rid of, but was worried about someone getting the information from her hard drive. The solution: a crowbar and an axe. Fun stuff. Dinner was really good, too. Dinosaur. Like Thanksgiving, only more pleasant.

Familiar Faces

Halloween was good. I stayed home with Steph and Jason and watched Halloween H20. I picked up some cheap vodka and some sort of cherry rum that didn't mix well with the Dr. Pepper. There were also 2 large party subs involved. The evening before I helped Steph's little cousin carve a pumpkin in exchange for some seeds. They were pretty good.

One of my managers has started asking me questions about my 'girlfriend' the other day. She first asked me how long I had a girlfriend a few weeks ago, after a particular event. Jonathan was standing directly behind me, so I didn't really say anything about it. The other day she asked me a number of questions that caught me off guard and again, I didn't correct her. I felt really awful about not saying anything, so I added her to my myspace. This morning she asked me about my boyfriend and we had a nice little conversation. Happy ending.

That's all that's really been going on. :)

I've Got a Funny Feeling We're All Born to Lose

I haven't done anything constructive since the last time I posted, hence there was no need to blog. I've been suffering severe bouts of on and off depression for the last few weeks. That's always fantastic. Last week I injured my arm in a horrific skateboarding accident. It still hurts when I rotate my lower arm, but it feels so much better than a week ago.

Sometimes I just want to be someone else. I don't care who, just anyone. I'm really dissatisfied with myself and my life. Maybe if I got out more and tried to do more constructive things I'd feel better. I don't know where to start, though.

There is nowhere I can apply myself, or I haven't found a place to. I want to do all these things with my life, but I have nowhere to start. I want to be a chef (not a short order cook), but I have neither the money to buy ingredients nor anyone to really cook for. I want to be a graphic designer, working on posters and similar media, but I don't have a subject. I want to be a filmmaker, but I have nowhere to just gather some people, pick up a camera and start shooting. I want to be a game designer, but I don't have a platform on which I could create something halfway decent without starting from scratch.

Economic Bullshit

I'm getting really sick of having to worry about small amounts of money.

15 cents. The amount I went overlimit on my MasterCard, pulling out money for an emergency. The bank then proceeded to charge me $40 for it, days after I sent in a payment, putting me back under my limit. Then they charged me a $20 fee for charging me the $40. All because I miscalculated how much the cash advance fee would be.

14 Cents. The amount I overdrafted by when Heather forgot her money for a movie ticket. Even though I put money back in the bank that night, they still transfered $50 from my credit card as "overdraft protection." They charged me $9 for that, but it put me over my credit limit again so I expect to get another $60 in charges. Thank God I transfered $165 to keep myself from going over a third time after the newest charges.

36 cents. The amount of money the $200 I once had in my Max Saver account accrued in the 3 years it was sitting there. Good thing I saved it, huh?

$100. The amount of money that magically appeared in my bank account the other day, with no trace in my statement. Too bad I already spent it on food, some pajamas, and a movie (which I probably shouldn't have gone to). I hope they don't want to take it back in a few days.

How the Hell am I supposed to be able to save for a car or education, or even a decent computer if 5/3 Bank keeps stealing all my money? It doesn't help that I live in a state where all the governor sends all our jobs overseas, forcing skilled auto workers to take the shitty jobs, and unskilled and unexperienced workers to be remain unemployed for years. Even if I had a car, gas prices are so artificially inflated that I couldn't afford to commute everyday.

Now I'm at the limit on both of my credit cards, my credit score is going down, and I have to get a student loan and financing on a car. I won't be eligible for a decent rate so I'll get something like 26.5% and end up paying about $8,000 extra that I won't have. It's no wonder so many people default on their loans and the banks are losing so much money.

And now Nelnet sent me an email telling me that my address and phone number aren't up to date and it's imperative that I change them so that I can continue making payments, even though I paid it off 2 months ago. If they fuck me now I'm not going to pay them another penny. They lent me money, I repaid it, I paid the interest, they made their money. End of story.

What the fuck are we all supposed to do?

it's All About the Games

I've revised the list of companies I'd like to work for. Here are my tops picks (in no particular order):

Insomniac Games, the developers of the Ratchet & Clank series. The reason I like Insomniac is that their games generally have strong storylines with well fleshed out characters. I've always been a fan of platformers and sometimes it's fun to forget about realistic graphics and just play. The benefits are good; 100% employer paid medical/dental/vision insurance, paid vacation, post production vacations, health insurance plans, and some really nice facilities. The catch is that the only office that's hiring much right now is in North Carolina, not my state of choice.

Rockstar games, the developers of Grand Theft Auto, among many other great games. It would be nice to get a chance to work on the next few GTA games. They have positions in many areas I'd be interested, but I'm having trouble deciding on one. The office I'd like to work at (San Diego) is a 3 hour drive from where Jason wants to go (Los Angeles), and there's also an office in NYC, in case Jason decides to go there instead.

Valve Software, creators of Half-Life and it's many branches. Unfortunately, also the creators of the Steam content delivery system. Valve has really been pushing graphics and physics forward for years with their Goldsource and Source engines. Their games are also heavily based in real science, which makes them unusually interesting. Unfortunatly, their head office is in Bellevue, WA.

Square Enix, who has produced innumerable RPGs, including Final Fantasy VII (along with the lesser Final Fantasy games). I really like RPGs and it might be fun to work on them, especially in the sci-fi genre. The US office is in El Segundo, part of Los Angeles. There really isn't much information available on Square's career page, but since the main office is in Tokyo, I'm going to assume bilingualism is a preferred skill, and I' not taking up Japanese any time soon.

I'm still left to decide which specific aspect of game design I want to go into. Right now I'm leaving it at the two main branches that interest me: programming and design.

While Perched Upon a Ladder, Cleaning Tanks

I planned exactly what I'm going to do for the next five months:

Starting now I'm going to start paying down my credit card debt. The more I can pay off before December, the better off I'll be. I also want to put as much in my savings account as I can. That means I'm really going to have to start watching what I spend and maybe get a little money somewhere on the side.

In December I'll apply for two loans: a vehicle finance loan to buy a used car from craigslist and a student loan so i can go back to school in January. I'll get a big enough vehicle loan from Fifth Third so I can get a $3500-$4500 car and pay a few months of insurance. My student loan is going to be a little different. Being a computer guy and not having a completely functional laptop poses a little bit of a problem. I could get a great PC laptop for $1500, but I'm not. I want to get a Macbook Pro because it's chic (Hypocritical, I know). It's all part of the new image I want to create for myself, but I'll talk about that another time.

January I'll start going back to school at Macomb Community College. Since I'll probably have to take basic classes for my first semester I can continue figuring out what I want my major to be. I'm going into the IT field one way or another, but I don't know specifically what I want to do yet. I want to get involved in a lot of extra curricular stuff too, but I'll figure that out when the time comes.

February is the month our lease expires, so I'll move back into my parents house. It's not the best arrangement and it'll be a pain to drive 22 miles to work and 30 to school, but I'll be able to save a lot of money not paying as much rent and utilities. That will allow me to finish paying off my credit cards, start paying insurance with actual money, save a lot more money, and hopefully make some hefty payments toward my vehicle loan.

At that point I'll try to narrow down the list of jobs I'd like to get at various companies. Rockstar, Revision3, GRC, Square Enix, and Capcom are definitely among them, but that's a new post entirely.

A Game You Can't Win

Recently I've been playing a nice browser based MMO called Travian. In the game you start out with a randomly located village. You upgrade your resource fields, construct buildings and infrastructure, create armies, band together in alliances, and so on. It's quite fun, albeit a little slow paced at times.

There's this guy in my 7X7 grid who's been raiding my village every day to get resources. At first I panicked, but then I came up with a plan and started slowly rebuilding my defensive buildings. I had founded another village a few weeks before, which I then converted into a nice little military base. I trained about 570 troops there, and about 400 in my main village, shipping them there. When I had an army, I sent all the troops to defend the main village. They held up for about 6 hours.

He sent a few of his normal attacks, consisting of 300 or so troops that I could easily wipe out. Someone from my alliance sent me some reinforcements to make the army extra strong and I thought I was all set. I replaced the few troops he managed to take out and went to work. When I got home all of my troops were dead, my wall had been destroyed, and the guy stole about 20,000 of my resources. All the strategy and effort I put into making sure my village didn't remain a farm was for nothing.

It's kind of a parallel of my life.

Two months ago, I though I was in a really good financial situation so I completely paid off my student loan and made large payments on my credit cards. Immediately, my hours at work got cut by 30%. This month I got a 50 cent raise, which I certainly wasn't expecting. Even though it's not a huge raise it does make a significant difference and I thought I could take advantage of that to quickly pay the remaining balance on my credit cards. But life happens.

I thought going to Baker college would help me get a great (paying) job within a few years. I put an enormous amount of effort into everything I did there and quickly won the recognition of my instructors, but then I ran out of money and dropped out (not really in that order). In reality, it put me in a hole that I just now, four years later, got out of. I thought moving to Chesterfield would give me a chance to save some money to go back to college. I put enormous amounts of effort into my work and trying to make living here as pleasant as possible for everyone, but I'm just digging myself into a new hole that will take another four years to climb out of.

Some days it just seems like no matter what I do and no matter how much effort I put into everything I do, the world just keeps pounding on me and nothing changes. Nothing gets better. Things only stay the same or get worse. Maybe I'm making all the wrong choices. Or maybe I'm making the right choices, but taking the wrong actions. Either way I'm doing something wrong. All I know is that there's no point playing a game you can't win unless you have fun doing so.

A Partly Interesting Day After an Entirely Boring Week

I discovered how to tell the sex of parakeets.

Teenage girls made me give them a high five while stuck in traffic.

I discussed goldfish with a mysterious, beautiful, German woman.

I used Tabasco sauce as a salad dressing.

A hermit crab pinched me and refused to let go.

I created a virus that destroyed all life on Earth.

I watched two brothers discuss The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger.

How I Feel

Shit, Nothing Makes Sense

Some days I wake up with an overwhelming sense that my life has absolutely no meaning.

All the extra effort I put in at my dead end job is completely unappreciated. I work my ass off cleaning every surface in my department when I'm scheduled to do nothing for 6 hours and they cup my hours by 30% this week. I'm already using the majority of my money to repay old debts, but now I have to scrimp and save and still create new debts just to pay rent.

Even though I have a few talents and abilities, I don't really enjoy any of them. I'm good with computers. Point me in the direction of a broken computer and I can usually fix it in a matter of minutes, if I'm forced to. The truth is I really hate doing technical work. That rules out an entire field of careers I'd be terrific at and leaves me with no alternative options.

Most of my extended family hates me for one reason or another and even my parents don't really accept me for who I am. I'm never going to have any kind of family of my own. That's pretty depressing. My friends treat me as part of their family and include me in their family stuff, and even though I really appreciate it, it's just not the same. Sometimes I just feel like an intruder, even in our apartment.

On top of all that, I ultimately feel trapped. I'm not the person I want to be and even though I could easily become that person, I'm scared to do so. I've seen how terrified of change people can be, especially those close to me. People are fickle and I don't want to alienate my friends and Jason, especially when they're all I have. On the other hand, I want to grow as a person requires change, but who am I to say if any particular change is good or bad?

To Do List

I will eat healthier.

I will spend wisely.

I will exercise more.

I will be more organized.

I will start writing and stop procrastinating.

I will finish the things I start.

I will repay my debts.

I will stop hiding who I am for the benefit of others.

I will spend less time on Youtube and more time outside.

I will start acting my age.

I will stop moping so much.

I will stop being so self conscious.

I will start doing more with my life.

I will start trusting people.

I will cut caffeine out of my diet.

I will start living in the real world.

I will sleep better hours.

I will start being myself.

What the Fuck Have You Done Lately?

It seems like the more things I try to do the less I actually accomplish. I got home around three hours ago and decided that I was going to do something constructive. I put down the controller and sat down at my computer, guitar in hand. I wanted to learn to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC, but got bored after only a few minuter. I tried to work on one of the many scripts I've started, but have no direction for any of them. The only thing I managed to do was find my favorite songs from my music collection and dump them in Winamp. And I might just have the patience to finish this post.

I went to the Pickerel Tournament (a local carnival) on the 4th of July. I was pretty excited walking there from Jason's house because it had been a few years since I went to a carnival just to have fun, but my excitement was quickly drowned by the lameness I encountered. There weren't any rides worth buying tickets for. The best one would be the 1/60 scale version of the Power Tower that only worked in drop mode (opposed to launch mode). The Elephant Ears were $5.50 and greasy, the lemonade was $3 for a small and full of ice, the band royally sucked, I kept tripping over poorly placed cords, the show monkey wasn't really doing very much, the other people were assholes, and I didn't get to watch the fireworks because they were the next day and I had to work. All in all, it was a complete flop. I did, however get my hands on 10 boxes of snappers for $3. That was good.

It's amazing how much money the carnival must rake in. There was as stand where you could throw rings around old fashioned bottles to win goldfish. It cost $3 to play, and assuming you have a 33.3% chance of winning (which I think is a fair assessment assuming you must get all 3 rings around a bottle), in a best case scenario the carnival could make $9. That's a 750% return, considering a comet goldfish costs 12 cents. If they unloaded all 150 of their fish, that's $1272 a day, after paying the attendant. Add in the severely overpriced sundries, the various games, and tickets and you've got yourself quite a racket going.

The Umbrella Does Nothing

We're had a wicked storm this evening. The lightning is so bright I could see clearly for a mile and the thunder was so loud I could hear it over the hum of the various heating and cooling machines at work. It wasn't so wicked on the way home, though. It was raining so hard it felt like little bullets falling from the sky and puncturing my skin. Even though I was carrying an umbrella, I still got completely drenched, even before I slipped down from the shoulderless road into a sewage ditch.

Funny story, actually. They've been doing construction on my road for about a month and a half now, so all the traffic is jammed into two lanes on the close side of the road. There was no room for a shoulder, so they just got rid of it. Seeing as there's no sidewalk for most of my journey either, and the opposite side of the road is mangled beyond recognition, I'm forced to walk on a little hill between the road and a nice little ditch. Normally it's no big deal, but tonight it was pretty slippery and cars kept splashing me and I lost my footing and tumbled down. My groceries survived. My $3.54 Mocha didn't.

There was a group of people walking a little ways behind me. When I took my fall the girl had a nice, hardy laugh and they continued walking. I gathered my belongings and continued walking. When I got home, I met the group of people again. It turns out they either live or frequently visit the apartment downstairs and across the hall. I immediately let our guard dog out, hoping she'd at least maim one of them, but she only ran down the stairs, took a step in the rain, and ran back into the apartment. Now she'd just staring at me and moaning, waiting for me to make the rain stop.

Ah, my groceries. Two of my favorite things, especially together. Hazelnut coffee and the original Oreos. Whenever I go into a store in my Petsmart shirt, people always think I'm an employee and ask me questions, despite my shirt being the color of the sky and most places' shirts being the color of fire. Apparently it's the nametag. One lady wanted to know what to do when an item doesn't show up on the U-scan as being on sale, when it's clearly marked as such. A guy wanted to know where the flag holders were. A little old lady needed help getting a box of pasta from an upper shelf. Another lady wanted to know the difference between two espresso drinks. I took my nametag off at that point.

Since Meijer was having a sale, I picked up 2 packs of Oreos and 4 cans of coffee. I had to hold the bottom can of coffee and rest my chin on the top can because the Oreos took all the attention of my other hand. I must have been a sight because the greeter asked me twice if I needed a cart. I would have taken it had I not already been almost to the checkout. I passed the lady who was having trouble with the U-scan (who had also suggested I take off my nametag), who I don't think had been helped yet. I checked out and left. I really do prefer using the U-Scan because it's generally faster than having a trained cashier scan your items, people don't use them much so there's almost always a free one open, and after smiling at people all day sometimes I want to deal with a machine.

And I just used my Liberty City Team Deathmatch time (formerly my Building a kickass downtown area for my Sims time, but there was a horrible accident involving Service pack 3 and an ancient USB driver from a company that apparently no longer makes USB chipsets) blogging and doing laundry. Awesome.

The Enzo is Mine

The neighbors woke me up at 3:45 having some sort of a party down stairs. Those assholes randomly started playing crappy music so I couldn't get back to sleep before my alarm went off at 4:45. On my way to work some guy thought I was drunk, wandering the street and asked if I was okay. It figures that the only time I pass someone on the way to work I look like a bum and decided to wear my Every Avenue shirt over my work shirt. Then, when I got over the I-94 overpass I suddenly realized it's Sunday and the store opens an hour later, so my shift starts an hour later. Nice.

I don't work again until Wednesday afternoon, which means I have 3 entire days off, if you include today, which I completely squandered. I don't plan to do much; just catch up on some gaming I haven't been able to do in a while. I installed all my favorite PC games today, including The Sims 23 and all it's expansions (which generally takes between 3 and 6 hours to accomplish), so I plan on building a lot in the next few days. I also played enough Test Drive Unlimited to buy an Enzo Ferrari and get enough achievement points to advance to the next career level, opening up more missions.

That's all I did today. I went to see Wall-E the other day. Good movie. It was well animated and has a really great story, but apparently a lot of people are bitching about the political message being shoved down their throat. First, it wasn't really that bad. Second, sometimes politics needs to be shoved down peoples' throats so they'll pay attention. Now I'm off to build. Or race. Or both. I haven't decided.

Tonight We Dine on Pizza Rolls

I had to go to a meeting about safety at work last time. It was the biggest waste of time imaginable. Not only did I not get any free Skittles like last time, the only thing I learned was that now I have to wear a silly gown and protective goggles when I clean cages and tanks. Awesome.

I was severely depressed last week, so I didn't blog. Sorry about that. This week doesn't look like it's going to be much better. I close tonight, getting off at 10, and open tomorrow morning, having to get there at 6. When you factor in the half hour it takes me to walk each way, the half hour early I have to get up to get a cup of coffee, and the half hour (or more) it will take me to fall asleep, that only leaves me 6 hours for sleep. But I only work 4 hours tomorrow, so I think I'll be okay.

Wednesday I have to clean the apartment and my room because I kind of put it off while I was depressed. Thursday my mom is going to Target, so she's going to drag me to Marine City to fix stuff and clean her house. I work the entire weekend, and I don't have the money to do anything fun.

I did beat GTAIV, though. I didn't complete all the side missions, get 100%, or unlock all the achievements, so at least I'll have something to do. I'm also trying to get all the achievements in Test Drive Unlimited. After that I have 3 new PS2 games I can play, so I won't get bored for a while. I'm also in the process of installing Windows XP the desktop Jason is letting me use, but it's not coming along so well. I can't upgrade directly from 2000 Pro to XP home because of some retarded licensing, so I have to install 95, then 98, then change the size of my partition using Linux (because I need a 40 gig partition, but the most Windows 95 can see is 2 gigs), upgrade to XP, set up the OS the way I like it, ghost the partition so I won't have to go through all the trouble in the future, and install all my applications. Then I'll be able to play The Sims 2 and Sim City 4 (along with a number of other games) at my leisure.

Don't Let Me Get Me

I put so much work into everything I do, but it seems like I never get a single thing back. I work really hard at my job. I do all my work on time, usually end up doing other stuff that hasn't been done in a year, and take on more hours whenever someone needs me to. But it doesn't matter how hard I work or how many hours I have because no matter how big my check is at the end of the week I'm always paying for things I bought last month. I can't just stop buying the things I need, either (though I could stop buying all the things I want and can justify spending the money on).

I feel like a failure because I can't afford all the things I need. Not small stuff like deodorant or sunscreen, but big stuff. A car, a desk (I broke down and bought one), a computer, etc. The only way I ever have anything is if someone (usually Jason) gives it to me or lets me borrow it. Now that I look around, I realized I bought literally 3 things in my room (2 of them being $10 books).

I try to be creative and just sit down and write every day, but after coming home from work, trying to please everyone, not getting nearly enough sleep, worrying all the time, and always trying to be someone else, I'm completely burned out. I can barely write a blog post once a week, let alone anything requiring any effort. I guess I'm just kind of sick of seeing all my dreams fail, one at a time. Maybe I set my goals too high or don't work hard enough or something?

I Have Nothing to Say this Week

A few random things you should all be aware of:

I tend to buy things I want instead of things I need. Whole bean coffee instead of sunscreen. A few books instead of a desk. Video games instead of food. Stuff like that.

There's nothing I like to eat more than ice cream, but a medium sized serving makes me feel like I'm going to die. Still, it's totally worth it.

I have one of the easiest jobs possible, although it involves a lot of physical work (i.e. exercise). Also, I usually work a shift where I encounter virtually no customers, even on Saturdays.

When I go for a week or more without blogging, it's not because I have nothing to say. I don't post when I'm depressed because people either complain or get depressed themselves.

I often get muscle cramps for no apparent reason. It's really annoying and happens without warning at the most inopportune times. I think I have some sort of mineral deficiency.

That's all I really had to say. I know I don't post enough. I also know this is a shitty post and doesn't really count.

The new girl closed last night. As a result I had to do most of her work this morning because people were so busy showing her how to do stuff they left the department a mess. I had to do all the dishes before I fed any of the animals, in addition to doing them after I pull the last of the veggie dishes. It took forever to clean up the mess in the bird habitat, the back room was disorganized, and the turtle still had his lettuce from yesterday morning. It was kind of shitty, but at least it gave me something to do.

I decided that instead of buying a rat (that no one would have been particularly happy with) with my 30% off coupon at work I'm going to pick up a vacuum cleaner. After that I'm going to try to get a new LCD panel for my laptop because the steel snapped a while back and I've been just dealing with it since then, hoping I'd be able to get a new computer soon. I'll probably need a new pair of khakis too, but I'm going to need to draw some cash from the bank the next time I eventually go for that. I'm tired of writing Nelnet a check every month too, so I'm just going to pay it off next month. I know it's just transferring debt, but the funny thing is that both of my credit cards have a lower interest rate than my loan.

I've been thinking of starting up Rich Magazine again, but I don't know where to start. Also, I know once I do start there will be a point when I get bored and just quit.

That's all.

Fuck Generic Carbon Based Life Units

I've been watching a lot of videos on Youtube about California's decision to overturn the ban on gay marriage. I don't watch so much for the video, but mostly to read the idiotic comments. Here are a few of the things I ran into (paraphrased to make them coherent sentences):

"You're ignorant if you think having freedom means having freedom to do what you want." Even after I added "as long as it doesn't infringe on others' rights," the guy insisted I was the ignorant one. So what is freedom? Freedom to do what God wants...in this nontheistic country (at least until George W. bought his way into office)? Doesn't that equate to what the guy wants, since so many people seem to think God is talking directly to them or through them or something? We argued in circles about that one.

"I don't care if you're gay, just leave the country." First, why should I leave the country opposed to you? Second, what's so great about the country anyway? Sure, land and gas is cheap (relative to the rest of the world's countries) and we have so called freedom, but this isn't the only free country. Canada, Spain, England, Scotland, Mexico, Italy, Ireland, Sweden, Australia, and many other countries give their citizens similar rights as America does. I could go up north and get free health care, down south for better food and longer days, or across the ocean for a number of different benefits and still have no fewer rights and freedoms than I currently do.

"It's great that gay people can't give blood, but it's a shame they can receive it." I always found that one interesting because I've given examples of HIV can spread through a population of straight people, and get into the blood banks unnoticed and no one would say a thing. Actually, this is similar to the "die" argument, which is popular in almost all debates. If I listed all the people I thought deserved to die, not only would I be exhausted, but I'd bore everyone to death, and unfortunately none of the people on the list would likely be reading it.

Our district manager came for another little visit today, which meant we had to do all our work and then some before he got there. Of course, I was opening my department alone (Jon was there, he was just doing manager stuff). On top of that we clean reptile cages on Wednesday. That meant I had to cram 7 manhours of work into just over 3.5 hours. If that isn't a challenge, I don't know what is.

In case no one noticed, I've been blogging a lot more in the last few days because I've been feeling better. I stopped taking Welbutrin and started taking vitamin C and these horrible yogurt shots my mom bought me. I've also been eating less fast and frozen food more regularly. Still not getting much sleep, but that only bothers me for the first few hours I'm awake.

Fuck Goldfish

As soon as I walked into work, someone proceeded to buy $67 worth of goldfish. I don't know how much you know about goldfish, but our mos expensive one is $4. Not only is that a lot of fish, but they chose in waves. First she wanted 3 fish, then 5, then the lady with her wanted 4, then they got 6 more for the one lady's daughter. So I have 14 bags of fish sitting in front of me when Jonathan starts hovering around me, which makes me extremely nervous. Before I knew it I lost my composure and couldn't remember what the last two fish I bagged were. The problem was that I vividly remembered pulling a fish from tank 10, but none of the tanks in front of me said 10. I only sorted it out after Jonathan left.

Before he left he gave me a nice little middle schoolish test to complete. The kind where each question answers the question before it. Such as "Why do you give a basket to people carrying more than 2 fish," following "What do you offer to someone for whom you just bagged 4 fish?" I didn't know what the fuck sodium thiosulfate is, but I think it's the aquarium salt we dump in every morning, which lead to another question about what aquarium salt does. Then there were two almost identical questions about what paper we write the results of a customer's water test on, which I didn't even know we were supposed to do, so I think it's safe to say I got those 4 completely wrong.

I've been meaning to blog more. I have like 4 blogs, but I never really do anything with them. I've been thinking of making another one, but I don't really keep up with the ones I have and I don't think a standard blog would really suite the needs of my ambitious ideas. I want to do so many things, but I never really feel like putting any effort into any of it.

Mmm, Yogurt

I've been feeling really down lately. The details and cause aren't really that important and they'd just get muddled between the way I write them and the way you read them, so I'm just going to leave it at that.

Five good things that happened to me today: I discovered we still have a copy of Assassin's Creed and Bully in the apartment, I went to Save-a-Lot and picked up enough food to feasibly last a month for just $48, I found the hot pepper rings I forgot I had in the fridge, I deposited enough in the bank to pay my student loan and the cable bill (but not my credit card bills), and I remembered to recharge my batteries before I needed them.

I got off this morning at 10, got a haircut and was home by noon. I don't have to work again until 1PM Tuesday, so it's almost like having a 3 day weekend.

That's all I have today. I'll try again tomorrow, but no promises.

Don't get me Started about Saturdays

With my 10 cent raise I make about $10 a week. If Jason would eat Ramen, I could feed us both on $2 a week. But of course, no one around me actually eats cheap foods. I made some Sweet and Sour chicken last night, which turned out pretty good. It cost about $8, which isn't bad considering I bought all the stuff needed to make Tuesday's meal (vegetarian stir-fry).

I got Vice City Stories and Ratchet & Clank in recently. I played about 12 hours of Ratchet & Clank, but I only played Vice City Stories for a few minutes because I wanted to wait for a time I can concentrate on the story a little better. I don't have any more games coming in right now because none of the games I'm offering are popular, so no one wants them. But I guess I have all I can play right now.

I bought a book called How to Make an Action Movie for $99 recently. The more I read the more I want to get back into filmmaking (not that I did anything to earn me the title in the first place), but the more apprehension I have about it. I don't want to get to the point where I finally realize I'm bad at it and shouldn't have wasted so much money and time. I still don't know what to do about that one.

I still haven't gotten anything for my mom for Mother's Day yet. Seeing as she'll be the first person (other than my coworkers) I'll see tomorrow, I have to get her something tonight. I saw a flower at Home Depot that she might like, but I don't know if that's what I want to get her. I can't think of anything else she'd like and/or be satisfied with. I still need to get her a card, too. I'll do all that as soon as I can, but right now I'm going to have some dinner.

3 Years and Counting

Yesterday was Jason and my third anniversary. I wanted to make it really special, so I did three things. First I took him to Louis' Chophouse on Gratiot just off 23. He got some sort of bright red steak and I got a nice piece of salmon and some rice. We also got a side of coconut shrimp, but I didn't like it at all. The second thing was getting Jason a digital photo frame and putting some pictures of us together (among others) on it. The last thing I did was make some tiramisu and buy a bottle of sweet wine.

The tiramisu didn't turn out well. First, I used too big of a casserole dish, so I ran out of cream cheese half way through. I couldn't find ladyfingers or spongecake, so I ended up getting angel food cake, which didn't absorb the coffee at all, making the bottom layer soggy and the top layer dry. Then I put way too much cocoa powder on it so I had to scrape a bunch off. I didn't really like the wine so much, but Jason did, so it's okay.

I also got some flowers for Steph's birthday. I never bought anything in the garden department before, so it was an interesting experience. I ended up getting two small rectangular planters for the corners of the balcony, a lot of flowers I can't identify and some petunias or something.

That's all I've really been doing since I last blogged. Have a nice day/week/month, everyone.

I Wish I Was Too Dead to Care

Meijer fucked me this month. First they didn't send me a credit card bill, then they failed to notify me that I was late (which they claim to), their website only works half the time, I can only pay with an online check through some chintzy looking service that takes 3 days, and to top that all off I have to pay 21% interest on $200. That really fucking brightened my day. Once the check goes through I'm canceling the card, which means I won't be able to buy anything for a month since I started using the card before I started making money, shifting my outgoing money by a month. Nice.

I went to my grandpa's wedding yesterday, which was nice. I don't want to get into details, but weddings depress me and my mom always acts up when her family is around. I even got someone to cover my shift on Sunday (which would have given me 25 hours, and I really need the money) because my mom wanted me to go to her house on Saturday. Then she mad me run all her stupid errands and drive everywhere. By the end of the 2 days I just wanted to sleep for a few weeks. But Jason came over and I started feeling significantly better.

That's all that's been going on in my life. I haven't done anything interesting. I haven't done anything worth noting. I haven't gone out and had a life. I did get Test Drive Unlimited and put in to trade a few other games, though. I guess that's good.

Also, I'm sorry I don't get excited about things anymore. I wish I could.

And I Don't Know Why

I seriously have nothing to blog about. I haven't really done much in the last few weeks. I've been depressed on and off a lot recently, but that's really nothing new.

I've been playing a lot of Test Drive: Unlimited, which is a lot of fun. I've been having fun just collecting cars. I picked up a Lamborghini Mercielago (which cost $42,000 to repaint a decent color), a Lotus Elise, a Ford Mustang convertable, a Ferrari Barchetta, a new model Viper (I like the 90's era model better) a nice Corvette Z06 (coupe), a classic Comaro, and a Classic Stingray. That's all I've actually accomplished since I last blogged. I've been playing an online game called Travian too. It's pretty cool and I'm getting the hang of it now.

I haven't written anything for Script Frenzy, and I probably won't. I just can't seem to pull myself to do it and I don't know why.

That's it. That's all I have to say.

A Post That's Not Depressing, but Not Really Interesting

I recently started using a service called Goozex to trade games online. The thing that sets it apart from other trading sites is that you don't have to trade one on one. That means you don't have to find someone who's willing to give you what you want for what you have. On Goozex you trade a game to someone for points that can be used to trade for any game from any user. I've already sent out Chrono Cross and Timesplitters (neither of which I really liked), and once the other users get their games and give me feedback I'll have enough points to get the first two games I want to request: Metal Gear Solid 3 and Ratchet and Clank.

I also want to get DDR Extreme (with the originally enclosed dance pad so people can play with me), Frequency, a new copy of FFVIII, Rez, GTA:London 1969 and Vice City Stories, the new Stuntman game, and Resident Evil Outbreak File #2. That's fewer than half of the games I'm offering, almost all of which are requested. After that I haven't decided yet. I want to get some fun group games.

April is the month of Script Frenzy, a screenwriting competition that I planned on participating in, but now that it's time, I just don't have anything to write about. I wanted to do a film adaptation of Catcher ion the Rye and I've been meaning to reread the book, but I didn't get around to it. I don't really have any ideas for new stories either. Bleh.

Some Days I Feel Like Jumping off the Overpass Onto I-94

This is one of those days.

I think I might to better on mood stabilizers (used to treat some types of bipolar disorder) than antidepressants. I don't know if the pills stopped working because I went off them for 3 days, I got used to them, or I stopped having faith that they would magically work. I'm not even sure if they stopped working at all. I might just be having an off day or two.

Or maybe I could just use some good therapy. I'm willing to try it now, but of course, now I don't know if there's a local mental health clinic with a sliding scale. I want to avoid talking to people I'm close to because it's just awkward. I find it hard to express my feelings to people that know me because I try hard not to offend anyone or step on anyone's toes. I know sometimes it doesn't work, but I do try.

Some days I wake up seriously doubting my worth as a human being to the point where I feel like jumping off the overpass onto I-94. I can't help it. There's no reason or warning. I just do. On days like this it really doesn't help to be reminded how much of a douchebag I am because I already know. Some days all I can think about is how bad of a person I am and how little I'm actually worth. Thanks, but I don't need constant reminders.

On other days I don't really care. I have a sense of humor and can take a joke. You may have seen the image on my myspace. It makes me laugh, most of the time. The same goes for gay jokes. Most of the time they make me laugh, but on off days they really get to me. After a while, on a bad day they'll start to add up and I'll start feeling worse about myself. I try not to say anything because I don't want people to feel like they can't talk to me. A few days later I'll feel better and it won't bother me.

I don't let people know when I feel like shit. Everyone thinks they can tell, but you'd be surprised how good of a front I can put up. I probably should just show how I feel though, because when I already feel bad and people keep picking at the few things I let bother me I tend to lash out at people, whether or not they did anything to me. I know I'm a monster. I'm sorry.

Community Driven Programs

I had to call in sick yesterday because I had the flu/severe cold + food poisoning. I was really looking forward to getting some extra money from the extra hours I worked this week, but even without working yesterday I got a few extra hours, so it's okay. Next week I work Sunday, which I'm really not looking forward to, we don't come in until 7, so it's okay.

I went to Starbucks after work for a Venti Chai Latte and ended up spending $15. In the few minutes it took me to order the drink, the kind folks at DARE set up a little booth outside Target (where Starbbucks is located). I don't want to be one of those people who walk by a charity carrying a $5 cup of coffee and not donate anything, so I ended up buying a shirt that I'm never going to wear. But I feel better about buying the drink.

I got a ride home from some random lady who waved me over from across 23. Apparently I look just like her son, take the same route, and have the same jacket. At first I thought it was Steph's aunt because they drive the same van, but once I was all the way across the street I realized I had no idea who it was. Then she was like "Do you want a ride anyway?" I accepted. Now everyone is like "You took a ride from a stranger!?" It's really weird.

That's all I had to say today. Nothing terribly interesting.

Week 11 Recap

A quick runthrough of my week so far:

Roommates went on vacation, took dog with them.
Started using Twitter again, blogged about it.
Watched a Saw marathon, ended up ordering Saw IV On Demand.
Walked a mile to work in a blizzard, then home again.
Watched Rent, I liked it.
Jason came over, played racquetball and went swimming.
Bought frozen fish and bread on sale, cooked immediately.
Jason and I vlogged, watching it now.
Watched Short Circuit, still enjoy it.
Got Chai Tea at Starbucks in Target, tasted like pumpkin.
Took pictures of Jason and me, turned out decent.
Watched A Walk to Remember, it was decent.
Alarm clock broke, my watch woke me 10 minutes later.
Bought candles at different dollar store, they smell nice.
Cashed check and payed cable bill.
Got new debit card pin, it finally worked.
Decided to move money from savings account to CD.
Did laundry at my mom's house, came home super late.
Made the first blog post this week, nothing special.

My New Widget

I haven't blogged since Saturday because I haven't had anything interesting to say. I finally got the hang of bagging fish at work. I'm still not used to going to bed at 10 to get up at 4:30 after staying up so late for so many years. It completely throws off my day. Jason came over yesterday and I had a lot of fun hanging out around the house with him. That's about all I did this week (as far as I remember).

Since I don't write blog posts when I don't have a whole lot to say, I added a Twitter badge to my sidebar in case anyone is interested in little updates throughout the day. I'll try hard to remember to keep it up. If you want to see more you can go to my Twitter profile. If you want SMS or IM updates, or want to start using Twitter yourself, go to twitter.com and create an account. It's kind of fun.

Everybody's Working for the Weekend

This was the first time I worked Saturday since I started. This is also the first time in a while I worked with new people, which was really awkward because Mary didn't even talk to me this morning and I didn't really get a chance to meet any of the people in other departments. Christina did introduce herself right before the morning huddle, which was nice.

They haven't really been giving me much to do at work recently. I've been getting my work done with 2 hours left and nothing to do. Today all I had to do was clean the guinea pig cage (apparently this is done twice a week) and feed the small animals, birds, and reptiles. That took almost exactly 2 hours. I ended up helping Mary put the new pets on the floor, which I'd never done before but is really easy. Then I did dishes for a while. Then I pulled veggie dishes and did more dishes. Fun stuff.

I'm sick of trying to be someone different for everyone I'm around. I don't want to do it anymore, but don't know if I have much of a choice. I can't just say "Just kidding everyone, this is who I really am," and stop pretending. I really don't know what do to. That's it.

I Hate My Blog

I never realized what a boring life I have until I promised to start blogging more regularly. I'm lucky if something noteworthy happens once a week, let alone every day. I spend most of my time sitting around the house doing nothing until I have to go to bed early to go to work early to get home early to do nothing all day. It's really annoying. That's all I have to say. Sorry I don't have anything more interesting to say.

Mid Morning Huddle

I'm going to start blogging more. The only reason I don't is because I sit around all day playing the Sims and surfing the Internet. I've been able to get relatively creative using the Sims though, so I guess if that's what makes me more productive, it's not really that big of a waste of time. I've been creating a series of houses (none of which are done) for Steph and her finance (in the game) to choose from. It's not really necessary, but it gave me something to do and I'm really satisfied with how they're turning out so far.

I worked with Johnathan again today. He had me cleaning the bird habitat today, which took forever because it was my first time doing it and I couldn't remember where anything went. Also, in the middle of doing dishes the Emma called everyone up for a mid-morning huddle. Amy went over last week's sales and passed out a sheet for us to record how many people we push dog training seminars on, which is kind of difficult considering I'm almost always in the back room. I honestly didn't see a single customer today until I had already punched out.

I guess that's all I had to say. I'm just in a good mood this morning. Maybe it's left over from the great weekend.

Every Avenue

I had a really shitty day at work on Friday. I was having an off day to begin with, I kept making small mistakes, and of course, my manager was there breathing down my neck. First, I forgot to put the stupid vitamin drops in the parakeets' water. Apparently I took too long picking the live crickets out from the dead ones, because Johnathan cam over to tell me to hurry, and what do I do? The second he turns around I drop the crickets (mostly dead now) loudly on the floor. After that I dropped the bin of cricket food, and even though it didn't spill much and no one was around I still felt like an ass.

Then came the hard part. On Fridays we count the fish by SKU (so we have to differentiate between the fish) while they're swimming in the tanks. Some are easy because we only have two or three. The rest are almost impossible to get an accurate count. A lot of our fish come from the same genus, so they look very similar with the exception of one or two markings; hard to count. Some fish are all one color (i.e. black) with no markings at all so I can't tell which ones I already counted; hard to count. Some fish (I'm looking at the guppies) swim around so fast that I can't even guess how many are in the tank. Add my inability to count the stupid fucking fish to my completely inability to concentrate on anything recently.

Then there was the stupid hand activated paper towel holder that some idiot mounted half way over the sink. Every time anyone washes dishes it spits the towels out directly into the sink and it's really annoying, so everyone just stuffs the paper towel back into the machine. But, of course, I'm the only who gets in trouble for it. Johnathan patronizingly told me not to do it and then came back out later and told me not to do it again, because apparently Julie did it too. That was really fucking annoying because all my life I've taken the blame for everything everyone else does and I'm really fucking sick of it.

I'm really starting to hate my manager. He's gone mad with power. While I was there he printed 4 sheets of things we're not supposed to do and made us initial it, threatening to write people up for this and that. I know that when the store isn't functioning right, it reflects on him, but he doesn't have to take everything so personally. Everything I mentioned so far happened between the hours of 5 and 11 Friday morning.

After work Steph, Heather, and I went to get autographs of a local band called Every Avenue. We lined up and I was number 9, but the staff gave us numbers and had us move to watch the band perform. The crowd was incredibly unenthusiastic even though the performance was great. When we lined back up for autographs, a bunch of 13 year old girls pushed in front of us despite the number system. I ended up taking off the shirt Heather bought me for my birthday in the store to get it signed, even though Josh is the only member who signed it (again, because of the 13 year old girls), but that's fine.



The next day we went to see them play at the Crofoot Ballroom in Pontiac. It was easy enough to get there, pretty much a straight shot down Hall Road. We got there an hour early and had to stand around in the cold, so Steph and I went across the street to get some coffee and hot chocolate (which came up to be $13.73 for 4 smalls). We huddled there for the rest of the time and watched the bands unload their stuff.

Four other bands played before Every Avenue, and they were all pretty good. I completely forgot the name of the first band, but the second band was was called Brandenberg and I really liked them. The lead vocalist and the guitarist (I think he was the guitarist) were twin brothers. Steph bought their CD and we listened to it for a while in the car. The third performer was a funny girl with a really great voice and a band called Charlotte Sometimes. The fourth band was mediocre and played some techno.





The rest of the show was great and I had a really good time. I'm really glad I went.

How Did the Pig Tracks Get on the Ceiling?

"I hope I don't work in the fish department. I don't have a choice. I have to do what they tell me. I hate the fucking fish. They're so boring and dull and I don't want to work with them."

Tuesday was the first time I finished all my work on time. It went something like this:
Give the birds water, take the old dishes away. Give the birds food, take the old dishes away. Give the small pets (rodents) water, take the old bottles away. Give the small pets food, take the old dishes away. Catch crickets, feed them to the reptiles. Mist the reptiles. Give the reptiles water, take away the old dishes. Cut up veggies and oranges for the turtle, Mali, birds, and all small pets, but the chinchillas. Wash the dishes. It's a lot more fun than it sounds.

Today I did basically the same thing, but I was scheduled for two extra hours, so I had to work with the fish a little. We get new fish on Thursdays, so we have to catalog, acclimatize, and put them in their tanks. That's never fun. I really do hate working with the fish. They're boring, dull, and always cling to the bags.

I'm thinking of buying a rex rat. Rats are way cooler than other rodents because they're larger, smarter, and a lot less skittish. You can actually sit down and let them sit on your shoulder while you're watching TV without worrying about them getting lost or something. The only problem is that right now I can't really afford one. The rats themselves only cost $10, but the cage I would choose is $100. Food is only $5 and dishes are about $5 each, and I'd need to buy the little guy some fruit, but that wouldn't really cost that much monthly. It's just the cage and toys I can't really afford. I guess I'll just have to wait.

I had a good birthday. My parents came over and brought me a bunch of food and The Simpsons Movie. We watched it and they left. Jason came over and we hang out until he left earlier this afternoon. He got me a nice framed picture of us. Steph picked up a DDR mat for me, which is awesome because I really needed it so I can play again, which I did quite a bit today (mostly after Jason left) and now I'm pretty sore. Heather drove me to work and ordered me an Every Avenue shirt, which is also cool. I'm also pretty strung out on chocolate covered coffee beans that my mom picked up, which is nice because I haven't been able to drink much coffee recently due to my crappy schedule, but I have the next 3 days off.

That's all I've been up to.

Oh, and I need some more hot chocolate.

Hay is for Horses

While I was cleaning out my filing cabinet today I came across a bunch of paperwork from Baker College. It made me realize just how big of a loser I really am. I was doing so good and was less than a year from graduating. I was on the President's list 3 times and was cordially invited to a luncheon at the Fogcutter, which for some selfish reason or another I chose not to attend. I tested out of almost half the classes I needed to take because I actually knew what I was doing. I could have actually And I really fucked that up.

Sometimes I really feel like my life amounts to nothing. I sit around the house all day just to go to bed early so I can get up early to work 4 hours to come home and sit around until I have to go to bed again. I don't think I can afford to go back to college because I don't know if I'll be able to get a loan (federal or otherwise) or the Pell Grant. But if I don't go to college soon I never will and I'll be stuck in a dead end job forever. Some people end up like that, and even though I don't wnat to, I'll probably be one of them.

I'm not saying I don't enjoy my job. I do. I'm just having an off day. I think.

I'll Be Happy Here to Cheer You Up

I think it's about time I got mental help. Let's review the things that are wrong:

I have the hardest time concentrating on my training books. It's not just that I find it boring, because I don't. When I sit in the conference room I can hear all the animals and people on the sales floor and the lousy music they pipe throughout the store. When I'm walking through the aisles, trying to find products, I can't read on label and move on to the next without my mind wandering. I can barely sit down to write a blog post without getting distracted and taking an hour. Where I'm from we call that ADD.

I have the most horrendously rapid mood swings. I'll wake up in the morning either ecstatic or depressed and can't keep a constant mood throughout the day. I'll go from one extreme to the other with no warning and I don't know why. That could be bi-polar disorder, or it could just be me trying to convince myself I'm not depressed.

And I am depressed. Everyone assumed it would end when I moved out of my mom's house, but it hasn't. If anything, I'm more depressed than ever. I try to do things that make me happy; playing games, writing, creating, but nothing helps. I haven't been able to write anything in a while and the only thing I actually made was a new template for my blog. It doesn't help that I'm sensitive to other peoples' emotions and the people around me are almost always in a bad mood.

I'm terrified to be around people. Any time I have to do anything with someone other than my 3 best friends, I get extremely anxious and can barely function. If I were to go out with Mike and Joe I would be nervous. If I went to a small get together I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Now that I work at PetSmart my anxiety gets in the way of my work. I can't even ask my manager a question because I find him intimidating. He's my age and we have similar interests, but he likes to make conversation, and for some reason I can't do that very well. Social anxiety disorder?

I'm tired all the time, even when I get 8+ hours of sleep. There's nothing quite as annoying as waking up at 1 PM feeling more tired than when you went to sleep. This is probably nothing more than caffeine addiction, though.

I know a trip to the doctor could very well clear up all my issues. The problem is that I can't afford consultation and medication without insurance, and I can't afford insurance working part time. If I get insurance I'd be able to get help for my problems and I'd feel so much better, but I wouldn't be able to pay my bills. If I skip the insurance I'll be able to pay bills, but I'll be miserable until I get more hours, find free help, or get a better job. The same applies to car insurance. If I get a car I'll be happier getting up later (I need to get up at 4:30 to be to work at 6), but the cost of insurance is so high I won't be able to pay other bills.

There's one more thing that bothers me. As a blogger I'm incredibly vulnerable. Most of the time I don't know what I can and can't say without stepping on anyone's toes. That's probably why I've slowed way down on my blogging. I don't want to hurt anyone so I hold everything in. Is that bad?

Cars Have Owners, Pets Have Perents

The walk to PetSmart is a lot harder than I thought it would be. It's roughly the same distance from my apartment as CVS from my old house, which was the half way point of one of my walks. There are a few things different this time. First, there are very few sidewalks between here and Gratiot. That wouldn't be so bad if there wasn't so much ice and mud. I have to walk across two of the most heavily used expressway onramps in the area. That's a little nerve wracking because people around here drive like morons. Gratiot is easier to cross, but not much, especially since I'm far too impatient to use the cross signal.

Then there's the matter of my shoes. When Emma first told me I'd need a pair of black shoes and khakis I went to the Salvation Army because I didn't really have any money at the time. I ended up with a pair of what seem to be bowling shoes and really seemed to fit when I tried them. Of course, after walking around in them for 7 hours they started rubbing my toes raw and left a huge blister on my left ankle. As I tried to avoid putting pressure on my ankle I think I hurt my leg and misaligned my back or something. And don't even get me started about the mud.

Today wasn't really all that interesting. I signed a dozen papers that I'm not supposed to talk about because of the silly nondisclosure agreement. There's a workbook of about 70 pages that I've been working on. It asks some of the most ridiculous questions such as "What Advanced brand dog food would you suggest for the owner of a rottweiler with joint problems," and I don't know the dog foods off the top of my head, so I have to search all 38 brands of dog food that have a joint health formula. There were a few cat and small animal questions in there too, but the main focus is defiantly dog care.

Those 70 pages are just the basics. The girl training to be a cashier (Michelle) can stop at that. I can't because I'm going to be a pet care specialist. I have 6 more books to go through before I'm qualified to help anyone. Then they want to cross train me to do different stuff, which will take more studying and searching. But as long as they're paying me for studying, I guess I can't really complain that much. Also, I got to bag crickets today, which was an interesting experience.

Benefits. Even as a part time employee I'm eligible for them. The problem is that they'd be taking money out of my check and I can't really afford that at this point. I already (voluntarily) donate $1 of each check to needy animals. I know it's not that much and it's for a really good cause, but that's $52 a year that I could be buying things with. Like shoes so my feet don't hurt as much or a microphone so I can actually do something about becoming a filmmaker.

I do think I'll really enjoy the job once I get past training, though.

I Don't Feel Like Blogging Today

I got the job at PetSmart and start Monday 10-4. I'm not so excited about working the morning shift, but that's life. I got my khakis and black shoes last week, have my driver's license and social security card ready, and am ready to start. I still have to see how long it's going to take to walk there because I really have no idea. I'm not crazy about the idea of walking across Gratiot, but I guess that's life too.

That's all I really have to say. I just thought I'd blog because I haven't in a while.

Goings On

Some days I just don't feel like blogging, and this is one of them. On the other hand I know if I don't force myself to blog I won't keep up with it and this will end up like my 3 other blogs. I've been trying to do so many different things in the past few days that I haven't really accomplished anything useful.

I worked on a short script I was working on a while back, but I still don't have a definitive ending. Another thing I've been doing (when everyone is away) is practicing guitar, but I don't really put enough effort into it to make a difference. I've been meaning to reinstall Windows on my machine because I've been facing a myriad of problems with it, but it's going to take all day and I don't want to go without a functioning computer that long. I promised my aunt I'd send her a letter, but I don't really have much to say to her and I don't really feel motivated to do it.

In case no one noticed, I made some revisions to the design of my blog. I'm trying to go for a shiny silver theme, but I'm not finished. I get bored of CSS very quickly, so I work best in short little bursts. The design will be slowly evolving toward my vision of what it should be, but it won't get there for a while. Sorry for the inconvenience, but that's the only way it's going to get done.

This morning I had an interview at PetSmart as a part time dog trainer. Despite the fact that Emma asked me some of the most stupid questions ever, I think I did well. I have a second interview on Friday at 11:30 with Amy (who I'm assuming is the store manager). I'll have to get a second job to have any kind of money to really spend, but being a part time dog trainer sounds a lot more interesting than being a full time customer service rep.

I like living away from Marine City because there are no people around here to ridicule me all the time. It wasn't just my mom, but my other family and most of my friends too. When I went to my interview this morning I wasn't really nervous. I think it's because I didn't have to come home to people who would make me feel bad for not getting the job. I also feel a lot more comfortable bringing Jason here and that makes me feel good.

Writing a Blog, Not a Script

I've been trying to write for the past few days, but I can't bring myself to do it. That's a big part of why I've been depressed and feel worthless. I sit down to write and open the application, but I just can't get anything out and I don't know why. I remember a time when I could just sit down and write anything I wanted for as long as I needed. I don't know what happened since then, but I don't like it.

I can't even finish any of the shorts I started. I have about a dozen unfinished skits and scripts just sitting on my hard drive doing nothing. I really want to film something soon, but I don't have anything presentable. And every time I do get close top finishing something I'm reminded that I don't have the proper equipment to shoot anything anyway. Maybe I should be a graphic artist instead?

This Post Has No Official Title, So This Will Have to Do

It's been a while since I've blogged because I try to avoid blogging while I'm depressed. I was kind of hoping to get over my depression by now because it's inconvenient to everyone in my life. I apologize to everyone it effects. I'm a pain sometimes, I know.

I moved to that apartment in Chesterfield I blogged about a while ago. It's a pretty nice apartment, but our neighbors are kind of shady. The all seem like really nice people, but they all huddle together and smoke pot on the landing a few feet in front of our door. In broad daylight. That only bothers me when I have to make my way through the cloud of smoke wafting out of the next door neighbor's apartment.

I was scheduled for a job interview at Kmart, but I ran into a huge problem there. Scheduling the interview as a mandatory part of their online application and apparently the automated service doesn't actually notify the store or anything. So when I got there the store manager didn't know what I was talking about and I was kind of embarrassed. I was kind of counting on that job too, but I'm over it now.

And my battery is dying so that's all you get for now. Goodnight everyone.