I Hate You, Dell.

I've been having some problems with my Dell Latitude lately. The power adapter that first came with it had a short just before the piece that plugs into the computer. It slowly died for about a month, working on and off the whole time. That kind of sucked because I really need a computer to do the things I do. That's just how I roll.

Luckily, Jason had a spare adapter from his old Dell. It was a slightly different adapter, but it was the same wattage and it fit my Dell. Kind of. The adapter was designed for a different computer and every time I plugged it into mine, it pushed back the protective plastic sheath just a little bit. At first I didn't notice it, but when the hard plastic plug started coming out of the sheath, it became apparent that there was a problem. I thought if I was just careful with it I could use it for a few more months until I could afford a new one. I was wrong, so now I'm using the 333 until I have the chance to buy a new adapter.

I do have a check for $50 sitting on my TV, but I have no clue how to cash a persona check. I guess I can just go into the bank and find out, but I don't really feel like it today. They close at 5 anyway, and I don't really have a way to get there. I don't know if my ID will be adequate either, because the picture is pretty worn (to the point that it could be a picture of pretty much anyone) and it's a Baker College ID card rather than a state ID or driver's license. I did start both of my accounts with it though, and so far I don't think there have been any problems, not that I actually make any withdrawals or deposits.

I was going to go to Tennessee with Steph, but the van she was going to use broke down, so she left in a different vehicle this morning. It wasn't the short notice that bothered me, but I needed more time to come up with the money to eat on because I used most of it to pay my student loan bill. I would have used the check money to go instead of getting a new adapter because she needed help, but I would have had to cash it this morning. I'll do it eventually, I just don't know when.

Frustration

The overwhelming sense of some unidentified,
Unidentifiable, feeling of general and utterly
Unavoidable wrongness that creeps it's way into
Life at the every inappropriate, inopportune time
Causes a kind of mass panic to happen in my head.
Do I really deserve the possessions
Meager, but absolutely adequate
That have been handed to me without reason?
Is this block in my regular thought process
The result of years of regular self abuse,
Rather than just a short creative doubt?
How much longer can I afford to be
Unfortunately unemployed when
I couldn't even feed myself for
Three days from the Dollar Menu?
Is the four year lack of employment
The result of subconscious sabotage
Or the forced lack of any social experience,
Rather than a lousy job market
In a devastated state?
Where would I be right now if I hadn't made such
Disastrously wrong choices in years past?
And where the Hell am I
Supposed to go from here?

Career Options Ahoy!

Jason and I have been considering a career as Calvin Klein posterboys. What do you guys think?



P.S. Since Eggdisk is down and my Flick profile is public, I hosted this image with Google's Picasa service. It really, really sucks.

Oh, and the image was done by my friend Jacen.

The System is Down

Eggdisk, the file host I use for many of my images and misc. files is down! I don't know what happened, but it's completely dead. I can't connect to the server and all of my links are dead. I tried to contact the owner about it, but his email address is hosted at eggdisk.com, so that didn't go too well. He hasn't logged into any of the social networks under the eggdisk profile since January, and the forums are down. I think I need a new host.

I've also noticed that a lot of people around me are having relationship problems. I've seen 3 different couples break up within 4 days of each other. That really got me thinking about my relationship with Jason. I know he loves me and he'd never do anything to hurt me, but I really need to start treating better. He's coming over today, but my family is here, so we have to leave. That's not fair to Jason because it makes him feel like I'm hiding him, which I am, but I really don't want to. It makes me feel so bad, but there's nothing I can do until I get the Hell out of this house.

I applied at AutoZone the other day and I'm kind of excited about that. I'm also nervous because I don't really know that much about cars and yet, I'm look for a job at an automotive store. I don't even drive and people are going to ask me all kinds of questions about cars and whatnot, and I'm going to have no idea what I'm talking about. But I can do it with a smile.

On a similar note, my cousin (the one who's Geo Metro I kind of broke) just got a Chrysler Seabring convertible for free. It's not a bad car and has leather seats and all that too. My only complaint is that the seatbelts are connected to the seats, which seem awfully flimsy. That and the speakers make the entire door panel vibrate, creating an horrible noise. But that can probably be solved by turning the bass down, but that's not my call.

The first rehearsal for After the Beep is in 2 days and I haven't really fufilled my duties as the costume guy. I emailed people and about half of them got back to me, but a lot of them don't have the full costume they need and it's kind of my job to find it. So now I need to figure out where to get a red hat for the pizza guy (an easy one) and a camouflage shirt (probably at the army surplus store or something). But I think I have it all under control for now. I'll talk to all of the actors when I get there and see where we stand. Also, I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but I'm going to bring my PDA to keep organized. I guess I just forgot I had it since I usually use it as an ebook reader.

INT - RICH'S ROOM - NIGHT

So I didn't drink at the bonfire and I still had a good time. I was in charge of dragging broken tree limbs from the back woods and manning the fire, which was fun. I'd really like to do it more often, but I have few friends I actually hang out with anymore. I really need to fix that or something. But I probably won't and I'll just sit in my room on my computer all day and be miserable. I'm stubborn like that sometimes.

I tried going to sleep hours ago, but that didn't really go so well. I just have a lot of nervous energy tonight even though I'm pretty tired. I had all sorts of ideas that would go great on film (or tape, or disc) and I started writing and wrote INT - DEBBY'S HOUSE - MORNING which quickly changed to EXT - FREEWAY - NIGHT then to EXT- HOUSE - DAWN and back. That's really as far as I got because every time I start writing I can't think of what I want to say, let alone how to say it.

I was going to start my Ubuntu blog again because I kind of want to reinstall Ubuntu and reconfigure my partitions because my current configuration isn't really working that well. As I install everything I can take screenshots as I go and I'll remember a lot of things I need to say. But instead I procrastinated and played Postal 2. Great game, but it's not really helping me get my work done. I don't know what happened; I was doing really well for months, but now I'm back in a spot where I'm just not motivated to do anything. It really hurts because I know I should be out doing stuff, but I'm just not and I don't know why.

What is Family?

There's a white trash family reunion coming up here in a few months. I don't really think I should go if the entire family talks about me behind my back like my mom claims. I don't feel comfortable there and I don't belong. I have nothing in common with any of those people, but still I'm expected to go. They're always awkward and I always worry that the family hates me, but now I know they do.

Did I mention my mom is the one planning it (read: insisting on having it)? She hates everyone in the family for one silly reason or another, but she still wants them to get together. I don't know if she's doing it just to make me uncomfortable or if she actually thinks it's a good idea for some reason. What I do know is that I don't want to have to be around those people, but I can't tell her that because we're all family and she claims that means something.

But it doesn't. If any one of them knew I was gay the entire family would be completely against me, not that they're really on my side now or anything. Even my mom turned on me when she found out, although she won't kick me out because it would make a bad impression on the family. I honestly wish she would just tell me to leave and not take it back because then at least I'd have something to complain about. All this time she claims she's a wonderful parent because I have a roof over my head, but what I really need is someone to tell me I'm not a (failure, monster, horrible person, pervert, waste of space).

On the plus side, I'm going to a bonfire/21st birthday party tonight! On another down side, there's going to be alcohol there and I'd like to have a few drinks (probably not too many) but I don't want Jason to get mad. I know he said it's okay and I know he's trying to help, but it makes me feel weird. Also, if my mom found out even though I'm 21 she'd be pissed off (not that that would actually stop me from doing it). That's kind of ironic because she just yelled at me for not doing "normal stuff" but when I do she yells at me.

I'm going to enjoy myself tonight though. I think I deserve it, although most people probably wouldn't agree with me. I've had a stressful month so far and I think getting out would be good for me.

All My Titles Suck

I know I haven't blogged in a while, but I've just been feeling kind of lousy. I'm afraid to say anything because I don't want people to get bored of me or up and leave, so I usually just pretend everything is all fine. But it's not. I struggle every day not to hate myself and every time I make any amount of progress someone comes and knocks me back down. I'm drowning and there's no one here to save me. Jason is going through a similar struggle and it's unfair to ask him to keep us both up.

Apparently my mom's family talks about me behind my back, which is fine. I don't really care what a bunch of white trash pricks say. But my mom does care and she's sick of defending me when "other people are right." She started screaming at me the other day, I'm still not sure why, and it always seems to come back to my relationship with Jason. She said something like "You can move far away and then no one will ever have to know," which made me feel pretty bad. Like I should hide myself from the world because I live around a bunch of assholes.

I haven't felt like doing anything since the last time I blogged, so I let a lot of things slide. I haven't written anything in the 2 weeks and I haven't done what I need to do. I did go to a production meeting for that movie and somehow I got promoted from a PA to costumes, which was kind of discouraging. It's a lot of responsibility and I don't know if I can do it because I have to deal with people that I don't know. But I guess now I have to.

I missed blogging about Jason and my 2nd year anniversary! I can't believe it's been that long already. We couldn't afford to get each other anything, so I kind of relaxed about that, but Jason got me a card (actually it was a birthday card with birthday crossed out, but the theme did center around 'it made sense when i bought it'). I felt bad because I didn't even think to get him one. We went up to Cheap Charlie's and Jason got the most disgusting, vile, raw steak ever and I got (cooked) steak and ribs. I can't really say that I enjoyed the ribs that much, but the steak was pretty good.

Yesterday I was walking around town and there's a guy I always see riding around town in a wheelchair. I smiled and said hi and he extended his hand and so did I. I should have just kept walking and acted like I couldn't hear him because it turns out he was a Jehovah's Witness and gave me a pamphlet. That was okay though because I didn't have to sit and talk to him or anything.

There was something big at the beginning of the 2 weeks that made me not want to do anything, but I don't remember what it was. It couldn't have been that important or I would have remembered. Either that or my fight the other day really screwed things up.