Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Incoherence

I haven't really been posting anything recently because I'm still feeling kind of lousy. I don't really want to talk about that today thought because I've been doing enough thinking about it and I'm drained.

I watched some TechCentric today. If anyone is interested in doing some cool stuff with computers, you should watch an episode or two. It's pretty cool, but a lot of the stuff is kind or menial (for me because I'm a geek and know how stuff works behind the pretty interface), but they do have some cool content on their show. They had an interesting segment about logging into Windows (or any other OS) with a credit card which could have been summed up in about 30 seconds, but they do make it interesting.

I also caught up on some podcasts. I figured out how to use Amarok to automatically show me when new episodes are avaliable (I could have it download them, but I don't have all that much disk space on this machine and I don't want to clog waste it on content I could just as easily stream). RSS is a pretty cool concept, even though it seems excessively simple. I've been finding a lot of really nice fonts that I'd like to use in future posters and the such. I really want to get back into graphic design (and remake my RIAA poster), but I get distracted by all the negativity I'm surrounded by.

I've been listening to a lot of Richard Cheese. If you want to listen to something new you should check him out. He's a cover lounge singer who has some remakes of really great songs. There's a fantastic big band version of Enter Sandman by Metallica and a lot of other really great songs. There is more music available on his myspace profiles.

I moved my bed to another wall today mostly so I could get to my closet without moving that stupid organ, but also to give myself kind of a new perspective. Every day for the last week I've been slouched in the same spot on my bed and I'm sick of it. I do feel better now, probably because of the exercise but maybe partially due to new arrangement. It's less cramped in here and I finally have some space to move around in.

I'm still trying to find a job, and this small town still really sucks. But I'm putting more applications in tomorrow, and hopefully I'll find something. I don't even care where at this point, as long as it gets me out of this house and away from this house.

I want to get healthy too. I've been drinking a lot less caffeine (I don't even remember the last time I had any coffee) and I'm thinking about starting to life weights again. The only problem is that I'm kind of lazy and never stick to a routine once I set it. I really would like to look good though. I've always wanted to be one of those guys with nice muscle tone and a cute face. I know Jason likes the way I look, but I really don't.

Oh, and I'm really sick of how everyone hates everyone else. I've been trying to write something about it for my myspace blog (because a lot more people see it than this one), but it just hasn't been coming out right. I don't want to offend anyone and I know no matter what I say I'll offend someone. Not that I really mind offending people, but there's a limit on what I'm willing to say to people.

But that's enough about me. Tell me how you guys are. Seriously. Leave a comment and let me know.

Monday, February 19, 2007

The Past Few Days

I've been feeling pretty bad lately and despite numerous cries for help ("I need a hug" in big friendly letters on my myspace page, a bulletin on myspace saying I have everyone, a giant picture of me pointing tinted slightly blue. etc.), no one really seems to notice. A few people asked me if I was okay, but that it. And Jade just hugged me which was really nice, but I've just been feeling really alone lately. I really don't have anyone I can count on. I know I can count on Jason, but there's nothing he can do about my situation.

The day I posted that picture my mom and I had another fight. Obviously my attitude sucks or something (because I told her she has to speak English rather than Gibberish if she wants me to help her) and threatened to kick me out. For the third day in a row. It's no surprise though, I know I'm not wanted in this house. I feel it every day. Yet, she finds it necessary to constantly remind me. And I'm getting sick of it.

So I called Sarah, the girl who offered to let me live with her all those weeks ago. She never called me back, but Jason ended up talking to her and seeing what's going on. After promising many times to let me live with her, her 35 year old, married boyfriend didn't react too well to the idea. If she talked to him before she made all these offers and promises I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up. Moving in with her was really a last resort. I didn't want to go, and I still don't, but I have to do something. And now there are no options left.

That really hurts, knowing you're not wanted anywhere and you have no one to turn to. For the first time in my life I'm ready to leave this horrid place and no one wants me. These two months I've been worrying about whether it was a mistake to stay here, and now it doesn't matter anyway. Even if I agreed to move in with Sarah, I couldn't have. And now I'm stuck somewhere I'm extremely unwanted. And I can't do anything about it because I can't find a job because I live in a shithole of a town.

I've been depressed since then. I really hate myself. I've lost motivation to do pretty much anything and I'm in the hole I was in a year ago. I really want to feel better, but I can't because every day I'm reminded of how unloved I am. And that makes it hard to love myself.

I don't know what I'm saying. I'm tired and worn out. There's so much I want to say, but don't know how to. That's probably the most frustrating thing of all.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Blue

Blue

I don't feel like talking today. So I'm not going to. I just wanted to let everyone know how I feel.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Alone in my Room with a Sweatshirt

I don't suppose I had a horrible birthday this year. My mom gave me a Jesus money clip and a game the I wanted. She also bought some dishes that we are eating off from now on and claimed that they're somehow mine. My dad gave me the copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy I had watched the night before. My aunt gave me a box of junk food that I'm too depressed to eat. We had Jet's Pizza. My mom took me to the bank to open a savings account using money that I now can't pay bills with. She then drug me to Kimball Township and attempted to make me drive home illegally, getting mad and throwing a tantrum when I wouldn't. The only memorable thing about this birthday is the feeling that Jason's gift gave me, and that's starting to get drown out by anger.

I'm angry at myself for letting my mom treat me the way she does. There's no need for it. For some reason I keep remembering the day she stormed in here and yelled at me for being gay. That was the same day she told me she's my only ally. It made me feel so bad, but I didn't say anything to her. I didn't tell her to shut up, I didn't ask her to be accountable for her actions, and I definitely didn't set her straight. Of course, it came back to the most distorted and misquoted book ever written.

But still, people tell me I should believe in god. The same god that made me the way I am, and made a million people who's only purpose is to condemn me in his name. The same god that made this lousy planet with this lousy race of people. The same god who could make the universe in 8 days, but couldn't make a simple book, leaving that up to stupid people who probably made half of the shit up anyway. A book where we can completely ignore some lines, calling them obsolete, while maintaining that the following line is still a sin, regardless of it appearing anywhere else in that stupid book. Yeah, I'll believe in that.

I didn't get to spend Valentine's with Jason, and I didn't even get to call him because my cousin was here (yet another thing I took shit for). I knew it would be a long four months while Jason is in New York, but I wasn't prepared for this. Today I realized how much I need Jason. I need him to be here to hold me and tell me everything is alright (although he does a pretty good job over the phone). After my mom pulled her usual shit today, I curled up on my bed with the sweatshirt he left for me. It doesn't really smell like him anymore because I used to sleep with it, but it's still comforting.

When Jason gets home, he's going to get more hugs and kisses from me than he'll know what to do with.

EDIT: The stupid bitch just barged into my room and got mad because I don't want her to talk to me. She completely denies what she did to me in the car and claims that I was mad because I didn't want to go fix Donna's computer. (I don't think I explained what happened today. Damn) Nevermind.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Yay, Life

Continuing the tradition of posting only when I'm in a bad mood, I figured now would be a good time. As many of you know (if anyone reads this lousy old thing anymore) tomorrow is my birthday. You may also know that I hate my birthday, as well as most (if not all) holidays. Here's a little glimpse into why:

2001: I told my parents I wanted a punching bag for Christmas. They insisted I needed to pick it up with them and then preceded to drive around yelling at each other because they couldn't find the store. All the while I'm in the back almost in tears saying "Let's go home." When we finally do find a sports store my mom insists that I'm too young to use a punching bag, but purchases it anyway. When we get home my dad is mad because he has to hang it. For many weeks my mom would get angry when I use it, saying it makes the whole house shake and keeps complaining until I stop using it for it's intended purpose and convert it into a seat.

Today: My mom and I get into an argument about how bad of a person I am and she threatens again to kick me out. I tell her I have places I can go, and she gets angry. She then tells me that she's been out in the kitchen working hard on my present (a set of dishes for when I move out - we already ate off them), like it's such a huge inconvenience to wash some fucking dishes. I told her I don't want to celebrate my birthday and she gets more offended than anything and goes in the other room and cried. That made me feel like the bad guy even though she's the one who came into my room and started arguing with me (She was mad because I told Steve to get his fat ass out of my way).

I pretty much hate myself right now. I was feeling pretty low the other day, and Jason swooped in to make it all better, but now I feel even worse than I did that day. The number 1 reason I hate myself: [this space intentionally left blank, but we all know what it is]. Thanks mom. :)

Sunday, February 11, 2007

The Art of Gift Giving

I feel a lot better that I have been. I got Jason's birthday gift yesterday and he told me I could open it. I knew he got it at Barnes and Noble, but I really had no idea what it was. I thought it would probably be that book I saw about Ubuntu or a podcasting book. Maybe even a tie in of some sort to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy or something like that. But the box was filled with something much better.

There were two books. The first one was The Portable Film School, a book designed to teach you what you need to know about filmmaking when film school isn't an option. That really meant a lot to me because I told Jason how much that previous fiasco with the local filmmakers (the one where I felt really out of place because of lack of experience) bothered me. The second book was what really hit me. I've been seriously thinking about possibility of becoming a game designer for a while, but I don't really talk about it a lot because I don't like people getting all excited about stuff that I may never do. I may have told Jason about it once or twice, but I didn't think he'd remember. The second book was The Art of Game Production.

When I saw those two books, for the first time in what seems like forever, I felt like someone actually believes in me. Jason encourages me all the time, but I kind of feel like he says it because it's his job to. But this gift filled me with such a sense of encouragement that I cried. I admit it. I feel really good about myself now.

And now my parents are fighting. Not about going ALL THE WAY to Port Huron to get me some lousy birthday gift that I probably won't even like, but about cooking two fucking hot dogs for me to eat, which I ate half raw, but the way.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

A Lousy End to a Great Week

I haven't blogged in a while because I've been feeling good (beccause my mom was out of state), but those days are over. My mom's friend is stalking me online again. It's really annoying because she'll send me a message on myspace, making it an emergency, telling me to log onto Yahoo Messenger, and then she'll ask me all sorts of intrusive questions, including (but not limited to): why don't i have a girlfriend/car/job, don't I like money, don't I like girls, and why don't I date her daughter, who is 17. I don't know if it's just me, but I get really irritated when she does it at 11 PM and I can't sleep thereafter. I'll log off and she'll leave comments on my myspace asking why I don't want to talk to her.

If I had a way to communicate with all my friends I'd just delete my myspace and ignore my Yahoo Messenger, not that I use it much anyway. I know she looks at my myspace, so I can't post sappy love poems about Jason and really any information about myself. I feel like my privacy is being violently invaded, even though I'm posting in an inherently public place. Which brings me to my question: Where exactly do we draw the line between normal online interaction, and stalking?

When Steph started talking to me she asked me some (moderately less) intrusive questions about about the person I was currently dating to force me to admit I'm gay. That was fine, even though I don't think we'd had many actual conversations before that. This woman is doing the same thing now, but it's greatly unwanted. If she wasn't my mom's friend I would just block her, but I don't want it to get back to my mom because she complains that I'm unfriendly as it is, and she'll probably agree that I should date the 17 year old daughter (because I'm apparently not gay, sorry Jason).

It's just a big mess and I'm starting to realize the effect of having an Internet presence, both good and bad. It's not that I really value privacy that much. I've never really had it before and I don't expect to much in the future. You can ask me any question about myself (give it a shot) and I'll answer it. But I can't seem to get around the fact that there are certain things in my life that my mom's friends and family wouldn't approve of, not that I give a good God damn what they think, but I know my mom does. And even then, my mom disapproves of every single activity I have ever participated in, namely: filmmaking, writing, and producing Rich Magazine.

That's my little dilemma for the week. Other than that, I've been learning some CSS, thinking of a million ideas for youtube and Rich Magazine, thnking of ideas for that film I want to make, and doing some handy work (I'll post about that when it's all done). Oh, and I'm finally in the process of installing Linux on the 166 to make a nice little server. While my mom was gone I cleaned the house (especially the computer room, which was a complete disaster) really well, but there was something missing....Jason.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

A Technical One

Yesterday Jason was flustered because his computer stopped functioning properly and he nearly lost all his data. He recently got a new MP3 player which came preinstalled with a nice set of malware. That in itself was no problem, as it was easy to remove with a few simple registry edits. Jason backed up the registry and tried every available recovery method to return the computer to a functioning state after the registry edit did it's damage. Still, none of them worked and it almost resulted in the loss of valuable data. This should teach us a few lessons:

1. Backup your data. A lot. CD's and DVD's can be useful if you don't have a whole lot of data, but a lot of times it's just not enough. I really recommend investing in an external hard drive (or buying a cheap internal hard drive and a USB enclosure) and using it only for backups. Turn it off and unplug it (from the wall outlet) when it's not in use to ensure your data will be safe. Maybe even make monthly backups of this drive on DVD+-RW media if you're really paranoid. Another viable option would be backing up your data to another partition on your hard drive. That way, when simply reinstalling Windows, your data will be safely tucked away elsewhere. This option however, won't save you from disk failure or malware that may repartition and format your drive.

2. Have multiple partitions. Of course, you could put your data on a separate partition to begin with and save a lot of trouble. This won't work if you forget to keep all your data on the other partition, which will be displayed as a seperate drive (or you could mount a particular folder to the partition in XP/2000). I generally have a small Windows partition, a large (20 GB+) data partition, and another large partition for installed programs. Having multiple partitions also increases (perceived) disk performance and reduces fragmentation. This is not a replacement for backing up files regularly though, and you can still lose data if your drive fails.

3. Always have a Linux boot disk available. The Windows installation CD can be a valuable tool in recovering your Windows installation without losing data, when it works. Instead, try KNOPPIX, a richly featured Linux distribution that runs directly from the liveCD. Just pop in the disc, and you'll be given full access to your Windows drive. It does help to know what you're doing and fortunately you'll also have full access to the Internet (assuming you have broadband). You can even run regedit, even though it's in a round about way (importing your Windows registry into wine, editing it, and then overwriting the file). Having a copy of the KNOPPIX CD is always a good idea just in case.

That's just something to think about. If you don't do anything else on the list, absolutely backup! You'll thank me later.