Two Careers Overnight!

I realized something today. Technically, I have a paying job. Today was the first day of shooting for that film I'm PAing on, and things went pretty smoothly. I got the hang of things pretty quick and I was moderately helpful. I learned a lot of things about the actual filming process and equipment (because I've never used anything beyond a consumer grade digital camcorder). Despite a sore back, all in all it was a great day for me.

It feels kind of good to have this job because it's exactly that. It may only be on Sundays and I'll probably never see any money from it (I get 2% after the film grosses $400, which is unlikely and even if it does it'll barely be anything), but it's still a job. It really gives me a sense of satisfaction that I'm actually doing something, and it's something I really want to do with my life. I'm really glad I'm doing it.

If you want to be really technical I'm also in "landscaping " as Julie calls it. But I do that mostly to get a tan.

The Same Old Rant, Reworded

Why does it seem like everything is against me all the time? Like, I have to work so hard to be happy, but then someone makes a mean or hurtful comment and all my hard work goes to waste, which makes me feel even worse. I'd blame it on karma or something to that effect, but a lot of times it seems that something horrible happens immediately after I do something good.

I gave my mom that shelf because I know she needs the money and I lost Internet access for 2 days. That normally would have been bearable, but I needed to send out some important emails regarding costumes today. Then I let myself get so worked up over it that I seriously thought I failed at the entire job because of it. Then the Internet came back up and I felt really stupid for worrying so much about it.

I try to do everything right. I try to do things for people as much as I can because I know I'm not really worth anything, but it always seems to turn out wrong. No matter what I do it seems that no one is ever really satisfied. Or maybe I'm not satisfied with myself. I know I could do so much better if I just tried, but something always stops me. Sometimes it's bad luck or karma, but sometimes it's just me being lazy.

Everything is just going wrong right now. This week, this month, this year. I need to get a job, get out of here, go back to college, and start making some films. I don't know why I don't. I could make a film right now if I wanted. but there's always something that stops me. I could probably get a job if I tried harder, and I could convince someone to let me move in with them. But I don't. And I don't know why.

But there is one thing I do have. I have someone to comfort me when I'm down and encourage me to do what I really want. That's enough to make me feel decent about myself. And that's what I need right now.

Also John, Paul, Ringo, and George help.

How Not to Handle Money

This may or may not come as a surprise to some of you, but my family is having some serious money issues. All four people living in this house are unemployed, we keep spending money like there's no tomorrow, and yet money keeps materializing from nowhere. Or at least, it did before this morning. To give you a quick background, our monthly budget looks something like this:

-80 Digital Cable
-60 Phone/Internet/(unused) Cell Phone
-70 Gas (not gasoline)
-50 Water
-90 Electric
-150 Gasoline (frequent trips to Port Huron)
-300 Fast Food (almost every day)
-150 Actual food (we have access to a Bridge card too)
-200 Various Purchases
-----
1130 Total Expenditure


+450 Dad's Pension
+623 My Aunt's SSI
----
1073 Total Income


See a problem there? I failed to factor in medical expenses from my dad's recent heart attack and my mom's car accident, and I probably misjudged some of the bills, but the you can clearly see the situation.

If my mom would stop running people to Port Huron (up to) three times a week and cut back on her spending a little bit, we could probably save $300 right there. We also leave the TV, multiple fans, my mom's computer, and the computer in the kitchen running all day, regardless of whether they're being used or not. We could save on gas by doing larger loads (someone washes three or four items at a time on the largest load setting) of laundry and actually allowing food to thaw before we begin cooking it. We could save some money on the phone bill by canceling service to the cell phone we don't use. We could completely cancel the cable too, because there's never anything on.

But we won't because it's obviously better to spend all the bill money and complain than to manage money responsibly. I hope Jason is better at handling money than I am or we have a serious problem.

ADDENDUM: My mom randomly decided that she needs a new shelf for her DVD collection and prepared to go to Kmart to buy one. I know she doesn't have any money and I really don't want her to cancel the our Internet service, so I gave her the shelf I used for DVD's, which she gave me when we first moved in. Now she's mad about it.

Bleed Like Me

What a Weekend

I've recently noticed that my blog has turned into the "For breakfast I had toast and then I went out to walk the dog and found a nickel and put it in my change jar" kind of blog. That's what happens when I'm happy. I can't help it, I just don't say interesting things when I'm happy. But on the other hand, when I'm depressed my posts are whiny, self centered, and pointless. Like this one.

There's a old saying (Murphy's Law) "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong." What I've discovered that when things that can go wrong decide to do so, they stand around and wait for some of their buddies so that they can all go wrong at the same time. It could just be me, I don't know. But it seems like when something goes (more) wrong in my life everything else has to immediately follow suit.

My earbuds are shorting out from wearing them from cutting the lawn. The mower is getting worn faster than normal too because I occasionally hit rocks and steel fragments hidden in the tall grass. I ripped one of my two good pairs of pants by putting myself in a position that strains the knees. I broke my power adapter by moving my computer around too much. I can't replace any of these things myself even though I caused the problems myself and I always feel bad having other people give me things (especially my parents) because I'm 21 and I should be able to provide all of these for myself.

I had a lot of plans for this weekend too. Friday I was going to spend some time with Jason, Saturday spend the evening with Jason and Steph brainstorming for that slasher I told myself I'd write a year ago, and Sunday hanging out with Mike and Joe. But that all got canceled. Mike got called into work and Joe canceled because he's Joe and that's what he does. It's happened to me at least 20 times and I still don't expect it. There goes Sunday. Steph got reminded of another party after the one she was getting off early from. That's fine, she had a prior commitment. But Jason got sick.

I've had a cold for a week and I made Jason come over Saturday and Tuesday. So it's my fault he's sick so it's my fault my weekend is shot and I'm not going to be seeing anyone. I was so excited about actually doing something this weekend instead of sitting alone in my room waiting for someone to IM me, call me, or even just talk to me. And I ruined it completely by telling Jason I felt better Tuesday so I could see him. If I didn't get to see Steph, Joe, or Mike it would have been okay because at least Jason would be here to comfort me after a really bad day. So my punishment for being selfish Tuesday is having a miserable weekend.

It's weird how I can be surrounded (kinda) by people and still feel the suffocating blanket of loneliness. I know Jason is there to comfort me. I know I can talk to Steph any time. I know there are other people who would consider having a serious conversation with me. But I still can't help feeling alone sometimes.

It also makes me feel like a big loser. I complain about living at home with my mom when I'm 21 but I don't go out and get a job. None of my friends care enough about me (Jason and Steph aside) to keep a commitment, and I rarely talk to any of my friends except Jason and Steph. Of course there's Matt and all my Internet friends, but they don't count because I never see them. Sometimes I just feel like I'm really not worthy of anyone or anything and I get what I deserve.

I had a point but it got lost somewhere in sorrow and self pity.

Sleepytime!

I've been meaning to blog for a few days, but I have a wicked cold and I haven't really been doing a whole lot of anything. My cold started Sunday, which is also the day Jason and I happened to go to Port Huron. I made him really; I paid for gas and even offered to drive, and if ever offer to drive you know something's wrong (but I won't get into that right now).

We visited our friend Sarah, the girl who repeatedly insisted on me living with her in Port Huron and then changed her mind when I really needed her. Now she has not just one, but two unemployed, homeless people sleeping on her couch. That made me feel pretty bad because I could have had a decent job and been out of there by now.

I'm out of steam. I had more to say, but I think I could use a nap right now.

Also, Jason gets grumpy sometimes!