Until just a few hours ago I was incredibly excited about going to Jason's friend's New Year's Eve party. That was before I told my mom about it. She was okay with me going to a party until I told her I was going with Jason. Then she immediately said this is why she wanted me to get my permit and said something about morals or morality. I can't remember because I was too busy being hurt by her sudden change in attitude. And people think I hate the holidays for no reason.
She also has an issue with my door being closed. But this only applies when people are staying here overnight, which seems to be happening an awful lot lately. She would rather make my life completely miserable than have someone discover that she raised a dirty faggot. I know that's what she thinks because I've been around my granfather enough to know how she was raised. It really sucks being white trash, and I'm stuck here in the middle of this shit, which isn't fair. It wasn't my choice to be white trash, just like it's not my choice to be gay.
But she acts like it is. There was this event about a month ago that I didn't blog about because I was hurt too much. My mom and I were arguing about something stupid (I think it was cookie cutters) and I must have made her really mad because she followed me into my room, slammed the door and started yelling about how one day she'll be my only friend. First off, that's complete bullshit because she's not even close to being a friend now and second, I have lots of people I can turn to (kind of). But when I asked her why she was trying to make me feel bad and she turned right around and claimed that I made myself feel that way because of the choices I made. That hurt me so bad that I didn't come out of my room or even talk to anyone for two days and then she got mad at me for being hurt. That is fucking bullshit no matter how you look at it.
It wouldn't bother me nearly as much if I was the only one affected. But every time she does something to me it hurts Jason just as much. That's what really gets me. I really hate telling him things that happen, but he insists it's better to be honest and I don't want to leave him out of my life, but I don't want to tell him just for him to get hurt. It's even gotten to the point where he feels unwelcome at my house (he even told me so), and to be perfectly honest, so do I. And even though I'm not the one hurting Jason and myself, I am mostly to blame.
I had every chance to get out of here. Jason (and everyone else in my life) has been pushing me so hard to leave, but I don't think I can. One thing I just thought about today is my student loan bill. I still owe them $800 and unless I get a job in the first week after moving, I'm going to have to skip a few payments. I really don't want to do that. And I know I can't rely on my dad to pay it every week because I practically have to kiss his ass to get him to pay it on time now. It may seem like a stupid reason to stay here to most people, but remember: I'm terrified about not having enough money to cover my bills.
I don't know how to tell my mom I'm leaving either. She's going to get mad and make it all about her. She'll probably even say some mean things about Jason and me that'll make me feel horrible and I'll sit alone in my dark room and not want to do anything, let alone move. Even if she doesn't say anything about me I'm pretty sure she thinks she's doing the right thing when she says mean things. That means when I move out she'll be hurt and I'll feel even worse than I do now.
And once I move out, there's no real reason for me to feel better. The things she's said and done to me are going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I still think about the time she accused me of plagiarism because I got an A on my English paper, and that was 7 years ago. I still remember the time she and my dad yelled at each other about me in the car, on the way to the sport store, on my birthday. She denies all these things, but I remember them like they were this morning. And they all still hurt just as much as they did all those years ago. Whoever said time heals all wounds was never hurt very deep.
And now I'm pretty much out of time to move out. Jason leaves for New York in 6 days and I can't think of anyone else who would help me move 40 miles at the drop of a hat. And even if I did, I don't have anywhere to put all my extra stuff. Sarah doesn't really have that much space in her apartment and I don't actually want to take up any of it. I'll feel like an inconvenience even if I do only take up a little space. I just don't want to intrude on her private space.
I know I can make excuses all day, but I really don't know what's wrong with me. I want to get out of here more than I want anything else. But....That's as far as I got. I know I want to leave, but I can't and I don't know why. You have no idea how frustrating that is. Maybe you do, I don't know. Some of you probably do.
On top of all that, Jason is leaving. I'm not going to see him for 4 whole months, and I don't want to do that. As much as I want him to go, I want him to stay here with me twice as much. I know it's selfish, but I really don't want to live without seeing his beautiful smile, hearing him laugh when I tickle him, and just being able to lay there next to his warm body. I really regret all the times he wanted to cuddle and I didn't feel like it because now I'm not going to get the chance for a third of a year.
But I truly am excited for Jason's opportunity. People would kill for a chance like this, and Jason is lucky enough to get it. In this business it really is all about who you know and this is Jason's foot in the door. The connections he builds while he's in New York will last the rest of his life. I'm really happy that Jason gets to go do this because he really deserves it. I just hope he still feels the same way about me when he gets home.
The past few weeks haven't been all bad. I got to see Amanda and Sean the other day. It was my first time meeting Sean and the first thing he said was "Hey, it's that famous guy!" At first I had no idea what he was talking about, but it turns out he has a copy of The Rich Show, and I guess he liked it. We all hung out at the Raven coffee shop in Port Huron and we didn't talk about much, but it was fun.
I also got to hang out with Steph yesterday. We were going to work on her movie, but none of us really felt like it, so we went to Taco Bell and saw Black Christmas instead. It was an average, run of the mill slasher flick, but I really liked it because it summed up my feelings about Christmas rather nicely.
That's all I have to say today. Sorry if I made anyone feel bad or anything. I just wanted to get some things off my chest.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Monday, December 25, 2006
It's Christmastime
I thought that maybe I would get a chance to just be happy on Christmas. What was I thinking? I should have known my mom would start her shit. She always tells herself (and everyone around her) that I'm going to grow up, marry a girl, have kids, and live a perfect little life that she invented for me. It makes me really uncomfortable because I feel like I have to pretend that I'm something I'm not for the rest of my life and I don't think I can do that.
I've been writing more since I got back from Houghton. It really was nice to just get out of the house for a while. I had a really great time even though I'm really shy and I didn't really say a whole lot. But I had a good time anyway.
I just completely ran out of things to say. Have a great holiday season everyone.
I've been writing more since I got back from Houghton. It really was nice to just get out of the house for a while. I had a really great time even though I'm really shy and I didn't really say a whole lot. But I had a good time anyway.
I just completely ran out of things to say. Have a great holiday season everyone.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Tag: Delayed Reaction
I got caught up in a game of tag going around Blogger, being tagged by my friend, and the first person to ever comment on my blog Jade. Now I have to list 5 things my readers might not know about me, so here it goes.
1. I'm terrified of handling money. I think it's because my parents never had any money when I was a kid and they always yelled at each other about it. Now whenever I go into a store I get terribly nervous if I have less than four or five times what I'm spending. I also worry about bills from the day I pay it until the day the next one arrives.
2. Even though I act it, I'm not really the creative type. Sure, I have ocasional bursts of creativity, but what I blame on writer's block is actually normal for me. I can visualise vivid details of what I'd like to see, but I can never go any farther than that. I can't communicate them, and most of the things I think of are random, completely unrelated tid bits.
3. I can't touch type. Most people wouldn't really care, but I take great pride in being a geek and I can't even type without looking at the keys. On top of that, I get extremely self concious when people watch me type and I make a ton of mistakes, especially if I'm trying to avoid looking at the keys.
4. I have poor sleeping habits. I might not even suffer from insomnia like I tend to talk about. The truth is that I usually stay on my computer until 3 AM because I'm afraid of just laying down and thinking. I also eat and drink right before bed because I get hungry. And I don't associate my bed with only sleeping. It's basically a giant chair/table.
5. I'm a vouyer. I love listening to what people have to say. I watch people's vlogs and I read blogs, but I rarely post anything myself (except for here) or respond to other peoples' posts. I just find peoples' storeis really interesting.
In other news, I'm currently at Michigan Technicological Institute in Houghton, MI. It was an 8 hour drive (of wihich a countless number were trees), and they don't even have a decent mall! I can't really say I expected them to because it's in the northwestern most tip of the upper peninsula and there is nothing around. It's freezing and I don't know anyone here, but I'm really enjoying myself. It's really nice being out of the house and away from everything that bothers me.
I really do miss Jason though. He's leaving for New York in less than two weeks and I'm all the way up here away from him. I don't know what I'm going to do the whole three months he's gone because right now we've been apart for so long that I can't stand it.
Other than that, I'm feeling a lot better than I have been recently. I got to sleep last night without even worrying about anything. I did toss and turn a little though because it was way too cold in the dorm because of a giant, gaping crack in the window, but that's just fine. I really like it up here becacuse it's nice an quiet, but not so much that there's nothing here. I'd still rather live in Port Huron though.
1. I'm terrified of handling money. I think it's because my parents never had any money when I was a kid and they always yelled at each other about it. Now whenever I go into a store I get terribly nervous if I have less than four or five times what I'm spending. I also worry about bills from the day I pay it until the day the next one arrives.
2. Even though I act it, I'm not really the creative type. Sure, I have ocasional bursts of creativity, but what I blame on writer's block is actually normal for me. I can visualise vivid details of what I'd like to see, but I can never go any farther than that. I can't communicate them, and most of the things I think of are random, completely unrelated tid bits.
3. I can't touch type. Most people wouldn't really care, but I take great pride in being a geek and I can't even type without looking at the keys. On top of that, I get extremely self concious when people watch me type and I make a ton of mistakes, especially if I'm trying to avoid looking at the keys.
4. I have poor sleeping habits. I might not even suffer from insomnia like I tend to talk about. The truth is that I usually stay on my computer until 3 AM because I'm afraid of just laying down and thinking. I also eat and drink right before bed because I get hungry. And I don't associate my bed with only sleeping. It's basically a giant chair/table.
5. I'm a vouyer. I love listening to what people have to say. I watch people's vlogs and I read blogs, but I rarely post anything myself (except for here) or respond to other peoples' posts. I just find peoples' storeis really interesting.
In other news, I'm currently at Michigan Technicological Institute in Houghton, MI. It was an 8 hour drive (of wihich a countless number were trees), and they don't even have a decent mall! I can't really say I expected them to because it's in the northwestern most tip of the upper peninsula and there is nothing around. It's freezing and I don't know anyone here, but I'm really enjoying myself. It's really nice being out of the house and away from everything that bothers me.
I really do miss Jason though. He's leaving for New York in less than two weeks and I'm all the way up here away from him. I don't know what I'm going to do the whole three months he's gone because right now we've been apart for so long that I can't stand it.
Other than that, I'm feeling a lot better than I have been recently. I got to sleep last night without even worrying about anything. I did toss and turn a little though because it was way too cold in the dorm because of a giant, gaping crack in the window, but that's just fine. I really like it up here becacuse it's nice an quiet, but not so much that there's nothing here. I'd still rather live in Port Huron though.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
I Honestly Can't Think of a Title That Would Do This Entry Justice, Not That There's Anything Terribly Special About This Entry
I think I've made a major breakthrough with my depression. I just realized that I've been so worked up about what I have to write for this and that and what I feel like I need to do that I haven't done anything I actually want to do in quite a while, and now it's caught up with me. I think that could be why I sit in front of my computer for hours at a time trying to write, but instead staring into the monitor.
So I'm compiling a list of things I feel like doing. In my next post I'll leave off the things that I actually did for myself, and maybe add a few more as I think of them so I can keep track of what I'm doing. So, here it is:
1. Take some good photos around town (I've always wanted to be a photographer)
2. Get some good exercise (Maybe something more than just a walk)
3. Get in touch with some old friends (Probably Mike and Joe, but who knows)
4. Explore downtown Port Huron (For some reason Water Street fascinates me)
5. Pick up Yoga (no pressure this time, just for fun)
6. Build something (something tangible)
7. Weed through my music collection (I've been downloading faster than I can enjoy)
8. Draw (again, no pressure)
9. Sit down and read the Sunday paper (I'm usually preoccupied with the Internet)
10. Make a new friend (I always wanted to do that)
That's it. If I can do just a few of these 10 things, I think I could be a lot happier. Note that I didn't mention writing at all. Maybe it's a sign?
Special thanks to Matt Jones for making me wonder why I don't do more things for myself.
So I'm compiling a list of things I feel like doing. In my next post I'll leave off the things that I actually did for myself, and maybe add a few more as I think of them so I can keep track of what I'm doing. So, here it is:
1. Take some good photos around town (I've always wanted to be a photographer)
2. Get some good exercise (Maybe something more than just a walk)
3. Get in touch with some old friends (Probably Mike and Joe, but who knows)
4. Explore downtown Port Huron (For some reason Water Street fascinates me)
5. Pick up Yoga (no pressure this time, just for fun)
6. Build something (something tangible)
7. Weed through my music collection (I've been downloading faster than I can enjoy)
8. Draw (again, no pressure)
9. Sit down and read the Sunday paper (I'm usually preoccupied with the Internet)
10. Make a new friend (I always wanted to do that)
That's it. If I can do just a few of these 10 things, I think I could be a lot happier. Note that I didn't mention writing at all. Maybe it's a sign?
Special thanks to Matt Jones for making me wonder why I don't do more things for myself.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Slimming Down
Starting today I'm going to get more exercise. I'm going to try eating less junk food too, but I think I'll start with one thing at a time. So after I finish this I'm going for a nice long walk, assuming it's not too cold out. Eh, it's 50 degrees. I think I'll be okay.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
My Half Assed Rant
"I don't care how cute kids are and how great it is to have them. I'm gay. I like sleeping with guys. I'm madly in love with Jason. I have absolutely no interest in women and their twats. Leave me alone and let me be happy."
I wish I could say something like that to my mom. She keeps inviting my cousins and their toddlers over and I think she thinks it'll magically make me straight. She even lets them stay the night so Jason and I feel uncomfortable. Last night we couldn't even be alone in my own room and it's not fair to either of us.
I don't even know why I'm complaining. I'm the one who's still here. I'm the one who won't leave. I'm the one who is too afraid to get on with his life. I think that's why I was so upset last night (you really don't need details). I am feeling better today though, and I think I'm going to have some brighter days ahead. :)
Yesterday I went to Target and got $20 back on the DVD player I bought my parents and bought my aunt and Jason a gift. But Jason knows what it is, so I want to get him something different. It's funny because last year he was like this and it turns out that when I have money I'm the same way. Oh, and I just remembered that I forgot to feed Jason.
Even thought I'm in a pretty good mood, I still can't think of anything to write. I think I just need some more time off, or to start a project that I'd be more interested in. I'll look into that. Everyone else, have a great day!
I wish I could say something like that to my mom. She keeps inviting my cousins and their toddlers over and I think she thinks it'll magically make me straight. She even lets them stay the night so Jason and I feel uncomfortable. Last night we couldn't even be alone in my own room and it's not fair to either of us.
I don't even know why I'm complaining. I'm the one who's still here. I'm the one who won't leave. I'm the one who is too afraid to get on with his life. I think that's why I was so upset last night (you really don't need details). I am feeling better today though, and I think I'm going to have some brighter days ahead. :)
Yesterday I went to Target and got $20 back on the DVD player I bought my parents and bought my aunt and Jason a gift. But Jason knows what it is, so I want to get him something different. It's funny because last year he was like this and it turns out that when I have money I'm the same way. Oh, and I just remembered that I forgot to feed Jason.
Even thought I'm in a pretty good mood, I still can't think of anything to write. I think I just need some more time off, or to start a project that I'd be more interested in. I'll look into that. Everyone else, have a great day!
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
What a Wonderful Month
I've been having a lousy December so far.
I'm experiencing horrible writer's block and I promised to write some articles for GBLNetwork. I don't even write anything for my magazine or my blog anymore. Now I feel like an ass because the owner of the site was really hurting for some content and I failed to deliver any. There were about 6 articles, which was okay, but I still would have liked to write something for launch.
I'm also completely out of money and really bummed out about it. If I could get to Target in Port Huron I could get an extra $20 because the DVD player I bought went on sale, but I can't get there and I don't want to ask Jason because he already took me up there to do my shopping. I don't want to ask too much. I had all these ideas about what to get him, but now I can't afford any of them and it kind of makes me feel like a failure. This is just one of the many reasons I hate Christmas.
It's not Jason's fault I feel like a failure though. Yesterday was my mom's birthday and even though she got a lot of nice stuff, she still found something to yell at my dad about. I feel like that's kind of my fault too, because she used to yell at me all the time when I was a kid, but I don't put up with it anymore and I yell back. So now she yells at my dad about everything because he won't fight back and it's my fault.
I also need to move out and I feel like I can't. I don't really want to get into it right now, but I'd feel really guilty leaving and my mom would tell my aunt it's her fault and it's not. I really don't want to put her through it. And if I leave before Christmas my mom would never let me forget about it.
But the main reason I'm depressed is because I want to be with Jason. I want Jason and I to just be happy together, but we can't because my mom makes me feel bad and I don't know how to deal with it. I blame this stupid country I live in that's run by a bunch of idiot religious red necks with antiquated ideals. Everyone wants this country to be something that it's not and I'm the one suffering. (How's that for self- centered?) I just want to be able to give Jason all my love without constantly worrying about what other people think. It's not fair.
Oh, and I have a cold and my uncle died last Sunday. Don't even get me started about my mom's completely inappropriate behavior at the showing and funeral.
I'm experiencing horrible writer's block and I promised to write some articles for GBLNetwork. I don't even write anything for my magazine or my blog anymore. Now I feel like an ass because the owner of the site was really hurting for some content and I failed to deliver any. There were about 6 articles, which was okay, but I still would have liked to write something for launch.
I'm also completely out of money and really bummed out about it. If I could get to Target in Port Huron I could get an extra $20 because the DVD player I bought went on sale, but I can't get there and I don't want to ask Jason because he already took me up there to do my shopping. I don't want to ask too much. I had all these ideas about what to get him, but now I can't afford any of them and it kind of makes me feel like a failure. This is just one of the many reasons I hate Christmas.
It's not Jason's fault I feel like a failure though. Yesterday was my mom's birthday and even though she got a lot of nice stuff, she still found something to yell at my dad about. I feel like that's kind of my fault too, because she used to yell at me all the time when I was a kid, but I don't put up with it anymore and I yell back. So now she yells at my dad about everything because he won't fight back and it's my fault.
I also need to move out and I feel like I can't. I don't really want to get into it right now, but I'd feel really guilty leaving and my mom would tell my aunt it's her fault and it's not. I really don't want to put her through it. And if I leave before Christmas my mom would never let me forget about it.
But the main reason I'm depressed is because I want to be with Jason. I want Jason and I to just be happy together, but we can't because my mom makes me feel bad and I don't know how to deal with it. I blame this stupid country I live in that's run by a bunch of idiot religious red necks with antiquated ideals. Everyone wants this country to be something that it's not and I'm the one suffering. (How's that for self- centered?) I just want to be able to give Jason all my love without constantly worrying about what other people think. It's not fair.
Oh, and I have a cold and my uncle died last Sunday. Don't even get me started about my mom's completely inappropriate behavior at the showing and funeral.
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