I'm having a screening of our movie at Stephanie's house. It was half way her idea to have it there, so now I don't have to ask Joe and Mike, which I was dreading. We might even have some wood for a bonfire. That'll be cool. I might even have a celebratory drink, I'm just not sure. I'd be more excited about his if I was having a better day.
I take that back. I had a GREAT day until just a few seconds ago. I really hate that bitch I live with. But we all know that already. I misaligned my door more than it already was today by slamming it. That was awesome.
I was also going to make a video blog entry despite not wanting to, but I couldn't think of anything to say and it was too hot and I just got fed up. I did do some major editing of the movie today and have been thinking about some bonus features. I don't really feel like doing anything now though. Maybe in the morning?
Monday, July 31, 2006
Friday, July 28, 2006
I Need a Mac
I was going to try something new on my blog today, but I've been talking to a few people about it and they didn't exactly react warmly. You've all heard me go on about how I want to make a podcast and I thought a videoblog would be sort of cool until I decided what I want to podcast about and if I want to continue doing video. I also wanted to make a show and stick it on Youtube. It would be sort of like I used to do when I would borrow Mrs. Coverdill's camcorder. I thought it would have been fun and it would have given me something to do.
It didn't work. It took me 40 minutes to film 4 minutes of decent video because I'm retarded and can't do anything right. Then it took me 3 hours of trying to get my damn camera to work with my HP. I reinstalled the software and driver so many times it's not funny. Finally I hooked my camera up to my 300 Mhz PC and it took forever to transfer the 4 minute clip. Then I had to stick it on my external hard drive, which also took forever, and then copy it to my other computer. I was going to use Vegas to edit it, but the program is slow as Hell, so I used Windows Movie Maker and it still took 20 minutes to crop 3 seconds off the beginning and end of the footage. And after all that I can't get a decent looking video out of it.
Did I mention I hate my camera? Don't get me wrong, it's a nice piece of hardware. I hate how it won't interface directly with my video apps. I hate how I need to use Pixela ImageMixer. I hate how even though it records in "video mode" the disc won't play back on any of my devices. I hate how I can't just stick the disc in the DVD drive and download the raw data.
I also hate every one of my computers. I don't know what's going on, but recently I've been losing touch with them. I can never get anything to work anymore and I don't know why. If it was just Linux I was having problems with I'd understand. But Windows 2000 on this computer keeps dragging ass all the time, especially when people come over and open a bunch of shit that doesn't need to be open and then complain about how slow it is. And the family computer, which I get almost no time on, hardly does anything anymore. I can't get my camcorder's software to work even thought I haven't changed a single thing since the last time I uploaded video from it. I guess it's just time to reinstall Windows.
This just seems like a lot of effort to put into something that people are going to think is stupid. Unoriginal is also a word that pops up a lot. Just because a million people post video on Youtube means that if I do it it's all of a sudden unoriginal. I'm sorry I can't afford a fancy host that doesn't have such a horrible stigma. No matter what I do I can't get it right anyway, so why bother? I don't want to put this much energy into something if people are going to think it's stupid and unoriginal. So I'm not.
It didn't work. It took me 40 minutes to film 4 minutes of decent video because I'm retarded and can't do anything right. Then it took me 3 hours of trying to get my damn camera to work with my HP. I reinstalled the software and driver so many times it's not funny. Finally I hooked my camera up to my 300 Mhz PC and it took forever to transfer the 4 minute clip. Then I had to stick it on my external hard drive, which also took forever, and then copy it to my other computer. I was going to use Vegas to edit it, but the program is slow as Hell, so I used Windows Movie Maker and it still took 20 minutes to crop 3 seconds off the beginning and end of the footage. And after all that I can't get a decent looking video out of it.
Did I mention I hate my camera? Don't get me wrong, it's a nice piece of hardware. I hate how it won't interface directly with my video apps. I hate how I need to use Pixela ImageMixer. I hate how even though it records in "video mode" the disc won't play back on any of my devices. I hate how I can't just stick the disc in the DVD drive and download the raw data.
I also hate every one of my computers. I don't know what's going on, but recently I've been losing touch with them. I can never get anything to work anymore and I don't know why. If it was just Linux I was having problems with I'd understand. But Windows 2000 on this computer keeps dragging ass all the time, especially when people come over and open a bunch of shit that doesn't need to be open and then complain about how slow it is. And the family computer, which I get almost no time on, hardly does anything anymore. I can't get my camcorder's software to work even thought I haven't changed a single thing since the last time I uploaded video from it. I guess it's just time to reinstall Windows.
This just seems like a lot of effort to put into something that people are going to think is stupid. Unoriginal is also a word that pops up a lot. Just because a million people post video on Youtube means that if I do it it's all of a sudden unoriginal. I'm sorry I can't afford a fancy host that doesn't have such a horrible stigma. No matter what I do I can't get it right anyway, so why bother? I don't want to put this much energy into something if people are going to think it's stupid and unoriginal. So I'm not.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Ibuprophen and Acetaminophen
I wrote a little bit today about two guys dealing with their lives together. It's a script I probably won't be producing for a very long time, but it has some really good potential. I like the concept and now I know how to write more natural dialogue, so hopefully it'll turn out better than my last film. I also talked to a few people on myspace, but nothing really important. I also hurt my back today moving a stupid box to try to get some more space in my room.
I've been listening to a really good podcast today called Linux Reality, and I really like it. I was thinking of making a Linux podcast, but I want to do something more original, which is really hard because I'm not an idea person. But I'll think of something eventually and when I do, this is the first place I'll post a link.
I beat Aria of Sorrow today. The ending was ho-hum, but I always find Castlevania endings a little dull. I'm almost finished replaying in hard mode (continuing with all my collected items and souls) and after that, I'll replay as Julius Belmont on hard mode. I played a little as Julius earlier and it's really freaking hard. It's just like the SNES games, only on a smaller screen. But the good news is that he can super jump from the beginning, so a lot of the map can be skipped, at least at the beginning. I'm curious to see how the cutscenes are going to work out and how the endings will play out.
I still can't figure out my file server, but I think I'm going about the problem wrong. At first I thought I had to add permission to the folder itself, but the Everyone group has full access to it. Instead I need to allow the other machines access to the server, but I have no idea how to do that in a workgroup environment. And I'm NOT setting up an Active Directory server for 4 computers. That would be a Hell of a lot of work and it would greatly degrade my network performance.
That's it. Nothing really interesting. I've been feeling better about things, but I do feel strange. I can't explain it, I just feel like I'm not accomplishing anything no matter what I do. It's kind of annoying.
I've been listening to a really good podcast today called Linux Reality, and I really like it. I was thinking of making a Linux podcast, but I want to do something more original, which is really hard because I'm not an idea person. But I'll think of something eventually and when I do, this is the first place I'll post a link.
I beat Aria of Sorrow today. The ending was ho-hum, but I always find Castlevania endings a little dull. I'm almost finished replaying in hard mode (continuing with all my collected items and souls) and after that, I'll replay as Julius Belmont on hard mode. I played a little as Julius earlier and it's really freaking hard. It's just like the SNES games, only on a smaller screen. But the good news is that he can super jump from the beginning, so a lot of the map can be skipped, at least at the beginning. I'm curious to see how the cutscenes are going to work out and how the endings will play out.
I still can't figure out my file server, but I think I'm going about the problem wrong. At first I thought I had to add permission to the folder itself, but the Everyone group has full access to it. Instead I need to allow the other machines access to the server, but I have no idea how to do that in a workgroup environment. And I'm NOT setting up an Active Directory server for 4 computers. That would be a Hell of a lot of work and it would greatly degrade my network performance.
That's it. Nothing really interesting. I've been feeling better about things, but I do feel strange. I can't explain it, I just feel like I'm not accomplishing anything no matter what I do. It's kind of annoying.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
What's Up With All These Damn Browsers?
Right now I'm using a web browser called Flock to write this. It's kind of cool because it interfaces directly with photo sites, blogging software, and a ton of news sites. I used it to upload a few photos on flickr and it worked really well. Normally flickr is a pain in the ass because you have to go through a lot of steps to upload a single picture, but with Flock you can just drag and drop the photo into the top bar that contains your photostream. That is really cool.
I'm pretty sure Flock is built from Firefox because all my Firefox extensions work. It seems to run a little bit quicker than Firefox as well, but the interface isn't quite as clean as I'd like it to be. I'm not leaving Firebox for Flock, especially if someone makes a plugin to make flickr work so well. I'm just trying it out to see what's so great.
I also took a picture of a raccoon today because I thought it was cool. I'm used to living in the city where the only wild animals I ever saw were possums. Now I see all sorts of birds, cats (unfortunately, they're homeless), and other kinds of cool stuff. The picture didn't turn out so well though. It was a low light environment and I didn't use the flash because I didn't want Fuzzums to run away. Yes I named him (or her) Fuzzums. Note that the possum's name was Fuzzy.
I also did some gardening today, against my will. I'm not feeling that great and I've been slightly dizzy today. I hurt the ball of my foot on my mom's cheap Martha Stewart shovel and I twisted my ankle getting her a chair from the garage. Then after all the work I did, even though I was very dizzy and tired I took a shower, also against my will. I almost slipped and hit my head. That would have sucked.
Since then I've been drinking tea which isn't the greatest idea because now I'm all hyper. But I'm having a good time cuddling up with my pillow, imagining it's someone very important to me, and relaxing. Oddly enough, it's been a long time since I've just relaxed and not done anything at all. It's nice.
Friday, July 21, 2006
It's Friday and I'm Bored
I haven't updated in a while because I don't have a whole lot to say. I still don't know what to podcast about, I still haven't finished editing the movie, and I'm still unemployed. I did get a new digital camera today, and I posted a few pics of my animals on my flickr page. That's about it.
Oh, I've been playing Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow a lot. It's a great game, but there's a lot to do, at least for this type of game. First, there's the 100% of the map that's a huge pain to explore. Some of it consists of being imaginative and finding a way around a problem, and some of it simply requires attacking the wall until it crumbles. There are also souls to collect from enemies you've killed, which is an even bigger pain because your chance of absorbing the souls is completely random as far as I can tell. But nevertheless, it's a great game.
This made me briefly consider making a vampire movie. But then I realized I don't know all that much about vampires and I don't want to make three horror movies back to back. Not that a vampire movie (or a zombie movie for that matter) really has to be scary, but still. I really would like to make this kind of a movie, but I'm not sure what people would think of it. And I know I should be writing for myself, but I really do need to take the audience into consideration here.
I'm really happy with my new digicam. Technically it's my mom's, but I doubt she'll ever actually use it. It's a great camera. The pictures are really crisp and clear. I've never seen this kind of clarity from a digital camera, let alone one in this price range. By the way, it's a Canon PowerShot A340. Great camera.
So all in all, I'm having a good time. I have new gadgets to play with and I'm doing things (kind of). Did I mention I can't figure out Windows file sharing? I went to college for this for 2 years and I can't set up a simple file server. Well, I can set it up, but I can't get the other computers to connect to it. And I don't know why. I think I might go back to making it a Linux (Slackware, of course) box and learn Apache or something. But then I'll have to format my HD with NTFS and I don't have a place to dump the data. Maybe I'll just buy an internal drive for the server and use my good one as a backup like I originally planned. Why do all my files have to be so damn big?
Oh, I've been playing Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow a lot. It's a great game, but there's a lot to do, at least for this type of game. First, there's the 100% of the map that's a huge pain to explore. Some of it consists of being imaginative and finding a way around a problem, and some of it simply requires attacking the wall until it crumbles. There are also souls to collect from enemies you've killed, which is an even bigger pain because your chance of absorbing the souls is completely random as far as I can tell. But nevertheless, it's a great game.
This made me briefly consider making a vampire movie. But then I realized I don't know all that much about vampires and I don't want to make three horror movies back to back. Not that a vampire movie (or a zombie movie for that matter) really has to be scary, but still. I really would like to make this kind of a movie, but I'm not sure what people would think of it. And I know I should be writing for myself, but I really do need to take the audience into consideration here.
I'm really happy with my new digicam. Technically it's my mom's, but I doubt she'll ever actually use it. It's a great camera. The pictures are really crisp and clear. I've never seen this kind of clarity from a digital camera, let alone one in this price range. By the way, it's a Canon PowerShot A340. Great camera.
So all in all, I'm having a good time. I have new gadgets to play with and I'm doing things (kind of). Did I mention I can't figure out Windows file sharing? I went to college for this for 2 years and I can't set up a simple file server. Well, I can set it up, but I can't get the other computers to connect to it. And I don't know why. I think I might go back to making it a Linux (Slackware, of course) box and learn Apache or something. But then I'll have to format my HD with NTFS and I don't have a place to dump the data. Maybe I'll just buy an internal drive for the server and use my good one as a backup like I originally planned. Why do all my files have to be so damn big?
Monday, July 17, 2006
Yet Another New Project
Since I'm already in front of my computer talking to people, I figured I'd post something. First of all, see the below post. Second, I'm not going to talk about anything negative today. Third, I added a link to my Deviantart Gallery.
I'm thinking of making a podcast. I don't really know what I want the content to be about, but I'm putting some serious thought into it.I'm thinking either technology (i.e. computers), filmmaking (how not to make all the mistakes I do), current events (which I know nothing about), or just general (like the Rich Show). At the moment I'm kind of leaning toward technology because it's something I'm really interested in. That is why I originally started this blog, and labeled it slackgeek.
I guess I just want to give a new medium (to me) a chance. I've published a magazine, written more than my share of poetry and short stories, written a short comic book, produced a hour long show, and made a movie. I guess I just like to push my boundaries and contaminate a new venue. But I don't know. Everything I ever worked on had no more than a cult following (even my blog *wink*). I may be a bit selfish, but I want something more than that now.
Yes, I listened to quite a few podcasts today. I love Leo Laporte! And Kevin and Alex of course. I could do without that Heather girl, but she's funny. Patrick Norton's pretty cool too and Steve Gibson always has really good advice. I hope that someday I can be that popular and influential. But right now I'm just looking for something to do.
If anyone has any thoughts, feel free to comment. Don't be shy. Come on, now.
I'm thinking of making a podcast. I don't really know what I want the content to be about, but I'm putting some serious thought into it.I'm thinking either technology (i.e. computers), filmmaking (how not to make all the mistakes I do), current events (which I know nothing about), or just general (like the Rich Show). At the moment I'm kind of leaning toward technology because it's something I'm really interested in. That is why I originally started this blog, and labeled it slackgeek.
I guess I just want to give a new medium (to me) a chance. I've published a magazine, written more than my share of poetry and short stories, written a short comic book, produced a hour long show, and made a movie. I guess I just like to push my boundaries and contaminate a new venue. But I don't know. Everything I ever worked on had no more than a cult following (even my blog *wink*). I may be a bit selfish, but I want something more than that now.
Yes, I listened to quite a few podcasts today. I love Leo Laporte! And Kevin and Alex of course. I could do without that Heather girl, but she's funny. Patrick Norton's pretty cool too and Steve Gibson always has really good advice. I hope that someday I can be that popular and influential. But right now I'm just looking for something to do.
If anyone has any thoughts, feel free to comment. Don't be shy. Come on, now.
Dude looking for donations... willing to destroy his Xbox for them.
Hey everybody, do Kevin a little favor and donate a little bit to his 360 fund. He's a really cool guy and he just needs a break. If not for him, then do it for me (it'll make me feel like I acomplished something today). Thanks
This dude's birthday is in 2 weeks and he can't afford an Xbox 360. With each donation he gets, he is willing to do a website plug on 2 sites and destroy his old Xbox and provide a movie of him doing so.
read more | digg story
This dude's birthday is in 2 weeks and he can't afford an Xbox 360. With each donation he gets, he is willing to do a website plug on 2 sites and destroy his old Xbox and provide a movie of him doing so.
read more | digg story
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
:(
I haven't posted anything in a while because I've been feeling really lousy. CVS still hasn't called, and I don't think they're going to. I really, really needed that job. I need to get out of this house, away from that stupid bitch I live with, and move on with my life, but it just isn't happening. I never really wanted anything other than to just be out on my own where no one can tell me what to do. I don't need a lot of money because even though I have expensive tastes, I know I don't need all that shit. I just need to pay off what I already owe and then maybe invest whatever little bit would be left over from my checks after the bills get paid. That would be more than enough for me.
But no. I know I'd be disappointing everyone in my life. Not just my mom her retarded fucking family, but all my friends who expect so much out of me. Everyone seems to think I should just go back to Baker and get a job in computers, sitting at a desk all day answering tech support calls and reinstalling Windows five times a day. What people don't realize is that I do that every day. I don't like it, but I should do it anyway. It's the 'right' thing to do.
No one cares what I want to do. Everyone thinks I should go marry some bimbo (no disrespect to women) and get some shitty job that I'm never going to be happy in. I'd be sure to make lots of money, and that's all that matters to most people. And why shouldn't it? I mean, with everything cool being so expensive nowadays, why shouldn't money make me happy? I guess I'm just kind of sick hearing people tell me I should go back to college and that filmmaking is a waste of time.
But the thing is, they're probably right. I can't make a coherent short that lasts more than 15 minutes, let alone a feature film worth being paid for. I mean, even if I did get good enough to be a freelance director or an indie filmmaker, I'll never have enough confidence to actually go out and do it. Hell, I can't even deal with a small group of my friends. How the Hell am I supposed to actually make something that anyone would ever pay to watch?
And I'm sick of hearing about my cousin's stupid wedding. So he fucked some girl and now they have no choice but to get married. Good for him. I don't fucking care. I swear, my mom just uses it as an excuse to make me feel bad for being the way I am. She always does this right when I'm starting to feel good about myself. She just kicks me in the balls and shoves me in the road to be knocked around by whatever comes along. It makes me hate her and myself so fucking much.
I used to always blame me being this way for my depression, but I've seen pictures of people like me being happy. Now I don't have anything to blame and I'm all out of excuses. I'm just sick of being me. I don't know how to explain it very well because I don't know what I'm feeling. I just know that it's not good because between the tears I have urges to break everything around me. But I do feel somewhat better since I sat down here, so I guess it's all okay.
Also, Jason had a bad day today too. I feel really bad because he's been having a rough time at work and he's all stressed out. I really hope things start to work out better for him because I hate to see him like this. It makes me really sad because he feels bad for feeling bad and then he just gets worse and worse.
So Jason, have a really good night and try to relax. I love you more than words can even begin to describe. Have a good day tomorrow and try not to let work get to you.
But no. I know I'd be disappointing everyone in my life. Not just my mom her retarded fucking family, but all my friends who expect so much out of me. Everyone seems to think I should just go back to Baker and get a job in computers, sitting at a desk all day answering tech support calls and reinstalling Windows five times a day. What people don't realize is that I do that every day. I don't like it, but I should do it anyway. It's the 'right' thing to do.
No one cares what I want to do. Everyone thinks I should go marry some bimbo (no disrespect to women) and get some shitty job that I'm never going to be happy in. I'd be sure to make lots of money, and that's all that matters to most people. And why shouldn't it? I mean, with everything cool being so expensive nowadays, why shouldn't money make me happy? I guess I'm just kind of sick hearing people tell me I should go back to college and that filmmaking is a waste of time.
But the thing is, they're probably right. I can't make a coherent short that lasts more than 15 minutes, let alone a feature film worth being paid for. I mean, even if I did get good enough to be a freelance director or an indie filmmaker, I'll never have enough confidence to actually go out and do it. Hell, I can't even deal with a small group of my friends. How the Hell am I supposed to actually make something that anyone would ever pay to watch?
And I'm sick of hearing about my cousin's stupid wedding. So he fucked some girl and now they have no choice but to get married. Good for him. I don't fucking care. I swear, my mom just uses it as an excuse to make me feel bad for being the way I am. She always does this right when I'm starting to feel good about myself. She just kicks me in the balls and shoves me in the road to be knocked around by whatever comes along. It makes me hate her and myself so fucking much.
I used to always blame me being this way for my depression, but I've seen pictures of people like me being happy. Now I don't have anything to blame and I'm all out of excuses. I'm just sick of being me. I don't know how to explain it very well because I don't know what I'm feeling. I just know that it's not good because between the tears I have urges to break everything around me. But I do feel somewhat better since I sat down here, so I guess it's all okay.
Also, Jason had a bad day today too. I feel really bad because he's been having a rough time at work and he's all stressed out. I really hope things start to work out better for him because I hate to see him like this. It makes me really sad because he feels bad for feeling bad and then he just gets worse and worse.
So Jason, have a really good night and try to relax. I love you more than words can even begin to describe. Have a good day tomorrow and try not to let work get to you.
Friday, July 07, 2006
Sony is Ruining my Life
So, CVS hasn't called back yet. People keep telling me not to worry because it takes time, but Debby (the woman who interviewed me) said she'd call in a couple days. This is exactly why I never told anyone about my interview. Now if I don't get the job everyone is going to be disappointed. But I don't think anyone can be as disappointed as me. I really needed this job and somehow I fucked it up. Story of my life.
I got an email from Julie yesterday telling me how it's adorable being the way I am. I wake up every morning hating myself for that brief moment before I remember all the good things in my life. Every time I see my family they ask about my life and I can't tell them anything about it. Every day I hear at least one horrible thing about 'people like me' and it makes me doubt the value of my life. But apparently that's pretty damn cute.
It also seems that everyone I know is doing a Hell of a lot better than me. All my friends have jobs, some of them even have really good jobs. They're graduating from their colleges and going on to nice universities. (Neither of these things are directed toward you Jason) They're moving here and there. They're getting married and starting families. They're buying cars, and doing this, and joining that. And the only little piece of my life that I actually enjoy and am proud of, I have to keep hidden from everyone. That makes me feel like even more of a failure that I already did.
None of the above paragraphs reflect how I really feel, only my current mind set. I just tried to edit the beginning of my film. Let's just say it didn't go so great. I can't make a continuous stream of video out of the footage I have. No one is in remotely the same position consistently, no one gets their lines right, I don't have any of the shots I wanted (including close-ups), and the constant sound of the camcorder drives me crazy. I guess it's kind of my fault for not being a good actor. But if Joe would have just shown up and not been such an asshole, he could have done it himself. Oh, and it was his birthday. I wished him well because I would have felt bad if I didn't, though he probably never would have noticed.
And on top of that Sony Vegas is so slow! I switched from Adobe Premier because I thought it'd be a lot faster, but it takes forever to load a saved project. No kidding, it takes like five minutes. I really need either a 64-bit processor or a Mac. I'm hoping for a Mac, but at this point I'm lucky to have my AMD 2800+. Bummer, huh? Joe did offer to help with the editing, but I don't really trust him to do it, not that he'd ever get around to it. And I can't use his computer, but he has all these security measures (like a BIOS password and Windows and Ubuntu passwords) that I'm too lazy to circumvent.
But on the plus side....I bought a book yesterday. It cost the remainder of the little bit of cash I had, but it's about filmmaking.
I got an email from Julie yesterday telling me how it's adorable being the way I am. I wake up every morning hating myself for that brief moment before I remember all the good things in my life. Every time I see my family they ask about my life and I can't tell them anything about it. Every day I hear at least one horrible thing about 'people like me' and it makes me doubt the value of my life. But apparently that's pretty damn cute.
It also seems that everyone I know is doing a Hell of a lot better than me. All my friends have jobs, some of them even have really good jobs. They're graduating from their colleges and going on to nice universities. (Neither of these things are directed toward you Jason) They're moving here and there. They're getting married and starting families. They're buying cars, and doing this, and joining that. And the only little piece of my life that I actually enjoy and am proud of, I have to keep hidden from everyone. That makes me feel like even more of a failure that I already did.
None of the above paragraphs reflect how I really feel, only my current mind set. I just tried to edit the beginning of my film. Let's just say it didn't go so great. I can't make a continuous stream of video out of the footage I have. No one is in remotely the same position consistently, no one gets their lines right, I don't have any of the shots I wanted (including close-ups), and the constant sound of the camcorder drives me crazy. I guess it's kind of my fault for not being a good actor. But if Joe would have just shown up and not been such an asshole, he could have done it himself. Oh, and it was his birthday. I wished him well because I would have felt bad if I didn't, though he probably never would have noticed.
And on top of that Sony Vegas is so slow! I switched from Adobe Premier because I thought it'd be a lot faster, but it takes forever to load a saved project. No kidding, it takes like five minutes. I really need either a 64-bit processor or a Mac. I'm hoping for a Mac, but at this point I'm lucky to have my AMD 2800+. Bummer, huh? Joe did offer to help with the editing, but I don't really trust him to do it, not that he'd ever get around to it. And I can't use his computer, but he has all these security measures (like a BIOS password and Windows and Ubuntu passwords) that I'm too lazy to circumvent.
But on the plus side....I bought a book yesterday. It cost the remainder of the little bit of cash I had, but it's about filmmaking.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Bombs Bursting Outside My Window
What exactly is it about me that makes me so easy to ignore? I've written to almost everyone I know today and I didn't get a single response. I understand if some people are busy, but I refuse to believe that people who never leave their computers have more important things to do than reply to a single message. When I saw Jake at the fireworks the other day, he didn't say anything (I'm not sure if he saw me though). Sometimes I really get the feeling that no one cares. Some of the messages were just casual conversation, but most of them were business.
It's always been like this. Like when Joe decided not to show up, he didn't bother getting in touch with me. Jake never got back to me when I sent him the script. Whenever I leave someone a voicemail message they never call back. Whenever I want to hang out with one of my friends, they're too busy. When I make a post on a forum, everyone ignores it. Sometimes I wonder if I completely stopped talking to people, would anyone really notice? I really do feel this way.
I guess I'm just used to having someone to talk to all day. Steph went to Tennessee and is having a great time, but she doesn't have constant Internet access, so she's never on AIM. None of my other friends are ever on AIM anymore either, so I'm stuck here all by myself. Yesterday was different. I talked to everyone I knew yesterday. So what the Hell is different today?
Maybe it's because I'm already in a bad mood. I've have this horrible pain in my arm and my back for about a week. I told my mom I'd cut the lawn, so I did. But then she started yelling at me because there was all this stuff she didn't tell me about. That's the only time she says anything anymore. When she's yelling. She really makes me want to die sometimes and I'm getting sick of living here.
I may be getting a job at CVS in a few days and if I do I want to move out after I pay off all my bills. But everyone is giving me advice and I don't know what to do. Jason always complains about how no one ever follows his advice and I don't want to ignore it. But I really don't want to follow it because he thinks I should stay here until after I get a car and graduate and this and that. I can't wait that long because if I stay in this house any longer I'm going to feel a lot worse than I have been.
Not that I've been feeling bad in the last few months. I've been getting all sorts of things done and hanging out with all my friends. Just last night I hung out with Julie, who I hadn't seen in years. We just hung around her mom's house in Port Huron and took a quick trip to the mall. We had some ice cream too. It was good. Her mom makes the best pork tenderloin and mashed potatoes. Mmmm. Then, almost out of nowhere, Julie asks my girlfriend's name.
This again. Her sister was in the room, so I didn't want to say anything. I just told her I couldn't say. Repeatedly. Then I felt like a jerk and I sent her an e-mail when I got home and explained the situation. She still hasn't gotten back, but it's okay because she's probably still getting settled back into her apartment. I was going to tell her the other day, but it just never came up even though I really pushed the conversation that way more than a few times.
I started writing a script recently that I'll probably never produce. It's about Jason, me, and my problems being who I am. My life really isn't that interesting in case you couldn't tell, so I had to step it up a little. I made my friends complete assholes (seemingly), Jason and I live together, and I have a Xanex problem. Sometime writing this makes me feel worse because I have to think about my friends and family and how much I really do need them.
But I do have some good news. (I just saved 15% on my car insurance by calling Geico) A lot of people are getting interested in Orange Ninja Films. Stephanie is working on a really cool horror story right now that I'm hoping to film about 9 months from now. One of Mike's friends is writing a zombie movie, which sounds like it would be really fun to make. Even Mike himself is excited about acting in the next movie I make. Oh, and I learned how to do moving aerial photography really cheap. So I'm excited about it, I just need to start (yes, start) editing the movie we just filmed.
It's always been like this. Like when Joe decided not to show up, he didn't bother getting in touch with me. Jake never got back to me when I sent him the script. Whenever I leave someone a voicemail message they never call back. Whenever I want to hang out with one of my friends, they're too busy. When I make a post on a forum, everyone ignores it. Sometimes I wonder if I completely stopped talking to people, would anyone really notice? I really do feel this way.
I guess I'm just used to having someone to talk to all day. Steph went to Tennessee and is having a great time, but she doesn't have constant Internet access, so she's never on AIM. None of my other friends are ever on AIM anymore either, so I'm stuck here all by myself. Yesterday was different. I talked to everyone I knew yesterday. So what the Hell is different today?
Maybe it's because I'm already in a bad mood. I've have this horrible pain in my arm and my back for about a week. I told my mom I'd cut the lawn, so I did. But then she started yelling at me because there was all this stuff she didn't tell me about. That's the only time she says anything anymore. When she's yelling. She really makes me want to die sometimes and I'm getting sick of living here.
I may be getting a job at CVS in a few days and if I do I want to move out after I pay off all my bills. But everyone is giving me advice and I don't know what to do. Jason always complains about how no one ever follows his advice and I don't want to ignore it. But I really don't want to follow it because he thinks I should stay here until after I get a car and graduate and this and that. I can't wait that long because if I stay in this house any longer I'm going to feel a lot worse than I have been.
Not that I've been feeling bad in the last few months. I've been getting all sorts of things done and hanging out with all my friends. Just last night I hung out with Julie, who I hadn't seen in years. We just hung around her mom's house in Port Huron and took a quick trip to the mall. We had some ice cream too. It was good. Her mom makes the best pork tenderloin and mashed potatoes. Mmmm. Then, almost out of nowhere, Julie asks my girlfriend's name.
This again. Her sister was in the room, so I didn't want to say anything. I just told her I couldn't say. Repeatedly. Then I felt like a jerk and I sent her an e-mail when I got home and explained the situation. She still hasn't gotten back, but it's okay because she's probably still getting settled back into her apartment. I was going to tell her the other day, but it just never came up even though I really pushed the conversation that way more than a few times.
I started writing a script recently that I'll probably never produce. It's about Jason, me, and my problems being who I am. My life really isn't that interesting in case you couldn't tell, so I had to step it up a little. I made my friends complete assholes (seemingly), Jason and I live together, and I have a Xanex problem. Sometime writing this makes me feel worse because I have to think about my friends and family and how much I really do need them.
But I do have some good news. (I just saved 15% on my car insurance by calling Geico) A lot of people are getting interested in Orange Ninja Films. Stephanie is working on a really cool horror story right now that I'm hoping to film about 9 months from now. One of Mike's friends is writing a zombie movie, which sounds like it would be really fun to make. Even Mike himself is excited about acting in the next movie I make. Oh, and I learned how to do moving aerial photography really cheap. So I'm excited about it, I just need to start (yes, start) editing the movie we just filmed.
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